Category: reflections

The War Is Everywhere

It is indeed everywhere, it’s not like there is nothing but the war on my mind, but whatever I do, whatever other people are doing – the war is in the background, the war is visible, and the news about the war shape the news broadcasts everywhere in the world. 

I mentioned the other day what my neighbor said about Tosca. It turned out that it was not just her or me, but that was the intention. Last Saturday, the opening night of Tosca started from the Ukrainian Anthem, and the cast dedicated that performance to the struggles and courage of the Ukrainian people. 

Yesterday, one of my coworkers mentioned in the speaker’s slack channel that the PG Day Poland was postponed. People started to talk about how it is sad but understandable and started to ask what is the new date. Then another person (the one I respect a lot) said: it’s a little surreal to me that people are being bombed, and we’re talking about it in terms of the impact on our conference schedule. 

This conversation triggered something for me. For the past several days, watching the stream of Ukrainian refugees arriving in Poland and Poles going out of their way to accommodate them, I thought that my “historical Motherland” needed some financial assistance. 

 During that conversation on slack which I mentioned earlier, somebody said: you should reach out to A. to find out the details [about the PG Day Poland]. And then my immediate reaction was: why I never thought about reaching out to her on the subject of donations? 

She was indeed delighted when I reached out and said that Poland is “out of everything,” warned about the fake charities, and gave me a vetted list of trustworthy charities that assist refugees’ resettlement.

For now, I plan to give 2/3 of my donations directly to Ukraine and 1/3 to this Polish resettlement agency I chose. 

Then, I was terrified by the news about the potential peace proposal from this BBC news program. It sounds so evil that I can believe this could happen! President Zelinskiy cares about the Ukrainian people, and he can go a long way to stop the bloodshed. But what will happen if peace in Ukraine is achieved at such a price? Looking at what the Russian government is saying these days, and knowing Putin, you can bet he would announce such peace as Russia’s victory. We wanted to liberate the Russian people in Ukraine, and we did! We wanted to stop NATO expansion, and we did! And we got a Crimea! And things are going our way! If the condition of the peace would be disarmament of Ukraine, it is an insult to the heroic Ukrainian army and all her people, and what will stop Putin from repeating the attack? And most importantly, he would emerge from this war unpunished! And that would be the most unjust thing, and I do not want to let it happen.

Why Did It Happen?

I remember the days of the war in Abkhazia. I followed the news on both American and Russian news sites back then. I remember a video of Putin talking to a group of Russians in Abkhazia. 

He pronounced the word genocide. I remember that the Russian media has probed the word for several days by that time. I guess it was an attempt to make it finally legit and start using it as a justification of involvement in the conflict. I remember the intonation. And I remember that there was no enthusiasm about the word genocide. And the word was dropped from the political language for the time being.

This time, the word was pronounced. And it was pronounced again. And nobody said “no.”

The horror and the guilt will never go away. I know how to keep doing things, and the past week was more productive than the previous one, and I hope the trend will continue. However, the void will never go away. Previously, I could not understand why emigrants who fled Russia after the revolution of 1917 felt displaced till the end of their lives and why they could not find their life balance. Now, I understand, even though I do not live in Russia for 26 years, America is my home, and I am a proud citizen. The question of what I could’ve done to stop this from happening will stay with me forever because I did nothing. 

Scenes from last Sunday’s anti-war protest in Chicago’s Ukrainian Village

When the Russian-Ukrainian War broke out, my mom and I knew that there are going to be rallies and protests in support of Ukraine and against the war – and we wanted to be a part of it. But my usual sources within the Russian-speaking communities, and the general activist chatter on Twitter, kept failing me. I kept finding out that event after event already happened from new stories and live-tweets covering them. So when, last Thursday, I found out there was going to be a rally on Sunday in front of Chicago’s Ukrainian Village’s iconic Saints Volodymyr & Olha Ukrainian Catholic Church, I figured I was going to try to make it, and encouraged my mom to do the same.

As the name suggests, Ukrainian Village is a neighborhood on Chicago’s Northwest Side originally settled by Ukrainians from what was then the Russian Empire. While Ukrainian Village isn’t as Ukrainian as it used to be in its heyday, it still has a number of Ukrainian churches, cultural institutions and even some stores and restaurants.

Continue reading “Scenes from last Sunday’s anti-war protest in Chicago’s Ukrainian Village” →

This Long Day

Today, I tried not to be hysterical but to focus and do something. I only succeeded partially, but I at least crossed a couple of items off my list in the past two hours.

We had a Wellness Friday today, an extra day off, which we have once a month. I still had to do some work because I started to help on one project, and the customer wanted the case closed today. So I helped last night, even though I took a half-day off to go to Palatine, and also for several hours today.

Work needs to be done; both work as what I am paid for and all my professional work outside the place of employment. I am a leader, and people look out for me. Repeating to myself, “there is nothing I can help with” does not provide any extra opportunities for help and produces no positive outcome. I can be aware of the biggest injustice in today’s world, but keep doing things instead of sitting paralyzed.

Multiple commentators on the radio said that sanctions wouldn’t help. I am very well aware of that. In fact, I always explained to others why sanctions never work like planned, and never in history would sanctions make dictators, oppressors, and intruders change their ways. Never.
However, today I thought that although sanctions won’t help, we owe them to the people of Ukraine. That’s the way of showing our support.

If the reports are accurate, and the UK was indeed able to freeze Putin’s accounts specifically, that sounds great. Although again, it would be a red cape shown to the bull.
To recap this day, I will do my best to do work, be productive, help those whom I can help, and keep looking for ways to change the world.

Today’s Thoughts

I can’t write about anything, even though I have things to write about. The morning news paralyzed me; not like it was unexpected, not like it was sudden. 

It does not often happen that the international news is on the top of the daily news in this country (that’s why I alternate with BBC). But today was the day when all the news broadcasts started similarly. 

However, most people go on with their lives even when they are aware of the horrible things happening in other parts of the world. And that’s normal. One can be aware of the wolds injustices and still live their lives, and in most cases, I do the same. 

Still, being a dual citizen, I can’t not feel responsible for what is happening. I feel like I felt that morning many years ago, before cell phones and ebooks. The morning, when I stood at the platform in Palatine waiting for the train and had a Chicago Tribune in my hands. I felt that each person on the platform holding the newspaper was reading about the Kursk submarine, and I was ashamed of what they were reading about. 

Today I feel it even more than twenty-one years ago. I have too many emotions and not enough words—shame, anger, worries, helplessness – none of this is even close to what I felt for a long time. I know that sitting paralyzed won’t help anybody and anything, and I have to come up with more productive ways to support the right cause. So help me, God. 

***

I can’t get this thought out of my head since … well, since that realization. It started as a joke. In October, Boris was invited to be an official reviewer for one Finnish Ph.D. candidate. That was the first time he participated in such a ceremony in Finland, and yes, it was more a ceremony than anything else. He has to rent a tuxedo and a white tie, and pretty much the whole wardrobe for this event. The people in the renting place verified that he didn’t need to have white gloves for that occasion, and he said that it was a pity because those gloves felt so nice on the hands, and there would be no more opportunity because he couldn’t imagine any events with dancing. I told him: you missed an opportunity at Anna’s wedding, so now you’ll have to wait till Nadia’s wedding day. And he said: no, I won’t live that long. First, I thought – oh, he’s just saying things, and replied – why not? He said that it would be at least twenty-four more years until she gets married with the current trends. I replied, still without much thinking and still half-jokingly: so what? He said: nobody on my side of the family lived that long. I would be ninety-five by then.
And then I realized that he was right! And it struck me because I am sure I will live till Nadia’s wedding day. And although I was preparing myself for the fact that I would be alone for many years of my life, I suddenly realized that it is not an abstraction anymore.

In some sense, it is not bad because now we care more for each other and try not to hurt each other’s feelings. Also, Boris bought a new phone arm/stand, and we had a photo session we didn’t have for thirty-three years at least. Not to share with anybody, but to keep it to ourselves.

And there is one more thing I mentioned before. It happened again last week that I didn’t realize right away that the person approaching me was Boris. We walked together to mom’s place, but Boris didn’t plan to come in, so he walked back home, making a loop to the west. I stayed and mom’s place for a little bit and walked back home. We ended up coming to the gates together, but from different directions, and I didn’t expect to see him outside. It was already getting dark, and I thought to myself – is this older man coming to our building? I unlocked the gate and held it, and then I realized that it was Boris. And same as before, the moment I realize that it’s him feels like a turn of a lens in my eye, and suddenly, it’s not an older man, but a person who is everything for me.

Valentine’s Day

I can’t remember when it was the last time Boris and I spent Valentine’s Day together. And it was even longer since we had such a beautiful Valentine’s Day.

Many years ago, back in Russia, when Valentine’s Day was one of many things from the West which we didn’t have, it felt very special to say “be my Valentine” and go for a long walk in the park, and then for coffee and cakes celebrating something very intimate.

Later, when we were already in the US, it was shocking to see the commercialized version of this holiday. We still tried to celebrate for a couple of years, and I was picking up the cards, but then Boris could not stand all this pink and red, and we started to keep it low.

This year, it felt unbelievably good, even though I could not take any time off work, and Boris had to leave to the airport earlier because I had to take mom to the doctor (and Igor had an assignment).

We started on Sunday night – I made a steak dinner and tiramisu, and we had s long conversation about one professional project we are trying to do together (moving slowly because of lack of time). Having how busy I was with work for this whole week, it was a real treat to talk about something professional which is not work. But then, most people do not understand how talking on professional topics can be so loving and intimate. I am not even trying to explain “why,” let’s say it’s our feature. On the day itself, we had heart-shaped cheese for breakfast:

And then we had an afternoon tea – I ordered it from Vanille the moment I knew that Boris was coming (which was almost the last day I could order!) We substituted tea with coffee, and I made prep and assembly.

Continue reading “Valentine’s Day” →

Late Night…

I’ve been very good this year about sleeping my six hours and going to bed by 10-30, no matter what:). It was not the case only when I had too much work. And yes, today is one of these days.

In EDB, almost all I am doing is new to me. I could never imagine there were so many things I didn’t know about Postgres :). To be fair, I just never needed to know them! So what happens often is that although I am full-time on a project, I spend half of the time learning things I need to know to complete this assignment, and then half of my work hours are non-billable. 

I know it will be better, but at the moment, I am still new to EDB 🙂

I mentioned the visa thing… Boris decided he wanted to use the last opportunity to enter the US on the visa, which is about to expire, and so he came yesterday. It was a very sudden decision. I didn’t mind; actually, I felt very loved when he said he was coming :). It’s just for a few days, and we both have work, but it still feels incredibly good. 

Romance In Our Lives

Yesterday’s visit to mom was one of these visits when she retells her life going through the usual circle. One of the stories she shared with me shortly after she came to the US was her very long romantic relationship with one of he co-workers. She was divorced at the time, and somehow I can’t recall whether he was married or not. I remember that her very last romantic relationship was with a married man, but I can’t recall what she said about that one. In any case, they would meet once a month and go to one of the suburbian parks and picnicked by one old oak stump, and they sometimes would see a play, and he also recorded a lot of audio tapes for her, basically audio letters with music.

Where I am getting is that when she retells this story, she always makes a point to mention that it was purely romantic and that there was nothing sexual in these relationships, and that’s “not how people are these days,” and that “nowadays generation does not understand.” I always listen to this politely and never ask her what is so good about “nothing sexual,” especially between people in their 30s. However, yesterday, there was a new addition to this story because she continued to something along the lines “every parent wants their children to be happy,” and then “sometimes I am sorry for you that you didn’t get what you deserve.” Then she proceeded to her usual paragraph about Boris speeding up my professional career and how she “never asks personal questions.”

It shocked me, to be honest, probably because I am so used to people commenting that they envy the never-ending romance I have in my life. So much that sometimes I have to explain that there are not only roses:). Yes, those who hear about our “long-distance relationship” for the first time often think (or even say) that that’s not right. But everybody who knows us knows how much in love we are. Not writing off all storms and all fights we had in the past, we are the biggest gift to each other.

Now I am really curious what she thinks I missed in life :). If anything, I felt sorry for her for a long time because I thought that she never had a complete and absorbing relationship of hers. I thought that was why she was so jealous of me and hated Boris and our relationships. Later she told me about her other relationship, and I realized that she actually had a good one in the second half of her life, and I stopped being sorry for her in this particular case. What she is sorry for me about, is still a mystery 🙂

2021/2022

I know that I am at least two weeks late with this post, but it’s only in the past two days that I found some time to write it all, although it was in my head for quite a while. Here it goes.

***

As I’ve said multiple times, what a year!!! Although all changes were for good at the end of the year, and I am ending on the positive side of things, it was too much! Because of so many things happening, I inevitably “lost” some things; that is, I had no time to do everything I wanted. 

The most important thing in 2021 was my move. I could not imagine the extent to which it would change my life before it happened, neither could I foresee many of the individual changes. It’s too early to be sure – I have lived in Rogers Park for less than a year – but I think that the impact of this event on my life may be the closest to my move to the US; so many things have changed! 

Besides the move, it was:

  • our book was published
  • I sold my car, and after 24 years of driving, became a non-driver
  • I changed job
  • Sold my old house
  • Refinanced my new house, which dramatically improved my financial situation
  • changed job one more time, and became a part of the EDB family

Both job changes were accompanied by a lot of rethinking what I want from a job, what is important to me, what I think about myself, and my impact on the Universe. 

I want to be very clear – I do not regret making the first career move this year. I learned a lot during this shortest tenure I ever had, and I will never look the same way at many aspects of database development. I have a different level of expectations: for myself and the Postgres community. On the other hand, I’ve experienced the biggest personal and professional disappointment in my life. Chad was such an important figure for me for over twenty years that I still feel the void. The irony of the situation is that many years ago, his influence helped me to become this very person who can’t tolerate the behavior he demonstrated. He is definitely my “person of the year” – in the Times magazine meaning. 

As for my second career move, the impact was also unexpected. I didn’t expect it to be such a big deal as it turned to be. I didn’t know how different that consulting was going to be. And in any case, I am just starting!

And one more big change of the year. I think that has been going on for a couple of years now, but I heard it in these terms only this summer. My then-new coworker exclaimed during our group lunch: oh, you are famous! How does it feel to be famous? I replied that I felt it was an extra responsibility, it’s that I needed to think twice before saying or typing something. That I know what I say makes an impact. I know that people listen and judge. 

And here are my hopes and my resolutions for 2022.

Work-life integration

  • I want 2022 to be less eventful than 2021! It was too much!
  • I do not want to change jobs in 2022. I want to stay where I am now, at least for 1.5 years. 
  • I want to use my position as an EDB employee to make many things, and especially NORM, happen in Postgres.
  • I want to resume my activities on building and maintaining Chicago PUG. I didn’t do it well in the past 3 or 4 months, and I need to change it. 
  • I need to learn to work from home. I remember that there were times when I liked it. I do not like it anymore, and there are too many things which fit nicely in my life when I work in the office. I need to learn to organize my life working from home, not just a couple of times a week but all the time. 
  • On that subject, I need to re-evaluate what I spend time on. Now that I am more financially stable than ever, I should learn to spend money rather than time in many situations, from taking Uber more often to purchasing more food online. 
  • I want to finally get on a more normal sleep schedule and not try to sleep less than I need.

Finances

  • I want to continue saving more than I did in previous years to invest more in my retirement and rainy day fund.
  • I need to stick to the schedule I developed to pay off my mortgage ahead of time; by the time I retire.
  • I need to look at how much and which causes I donate and restructure my donations. Overall, to give more. 

People and relationships

  • I want to make more time to people in my life, both “live” and virtually, not to abandon relationships because of “lack of time.”
  • I need to learn to be more patient with mom because my time with her does not benefit me if I am impatient. If I want to do something good for her, I need to be patient and supportive.
  • Allocate time for social media, both Russian and English; different media for different reasons, but if I keep certain social media accounts, there is a reason for each of them.
  • And I need to use this time more productively.

I guess, to summarize, I need to rethink what I spend my time on.

I am not writing anything about my personal life here. Not because there are no goals, but because we have goals regardless of the beginning of the year, and I hope that we will continue to work on our relationships the same way as we did in the second half of 2021. 

That being said, hello 2022!