I Can’t Stop Thinking About It

That is – about people in Russia who are not just silent but actively and voluntarily support the aggression. And I know that those of my friends who stay sane amongst this insanity are as horrified as me, only, unlike me, they have to live to face this insanity every day.

And once again, I can’t stop thinking about where I would be if… I recall the conversations I had with my friends sometime in 1980 or 81. I think I already mentioned that, and I want to repeat it again: at that time, most of us didn’t have good feelings toward Jews who were emigrating. We thought that they were cowards and wanted the easy life, and didn’t think about the consequences of their departure for those who stayed (the latter was true).

I was in love with L. (he liked me but didn’t love me and gently tried to push me away), and his family obtained the vise and were getting ready to go to Israel. L. didn’t want to go. He was eighteen and told us he would rather stay and go to Afghanistan than join the Israeli army.

I clearly remember that that’s what he said, and that’s what we all thought, and we hated his parents for not understanding such an obvious thing.

What was I thinking? What all of us were thinking? When I shared these horrific memories with Boris, he said that at least the Soviets didn’t launch missiles against Afghans. OK, they used other weapons. But that’s why I kept thinking: what was wrong with me? And those few Russian people who understand – I really admire them because I have no idea how they managed to stay human, and I am afraid I would not measure up if I were there.

There are people who understand that standing for your country’s independence is not an act of war and that Russia initiated the war, not the other way around, but there are so few of them!

4 thoughts on “I Can’t Stop Thinking About It

  1. We were absolutely brai washed from the moment we were born. I perfectly understand your feeling, with my own then pioneer and comsomol devotion, and full belief in priority of socialism despite temporary hardships. I can never forget a school friend who had a pen pal somewhere “there”, and that pal asked in one of the letters: what do you think of Baryshnikov? And we all discussed that he was the worst traitor. And mind you, that was the first time I heard of him, but I definitely condemned. Then in the 90-s we were given freedom of thought. And after about 2006-2008 brainwashing srtated again and succeeded so well that even those who should have recognised and rejected it, did not. Was it because it coincided with huge life stsndard improvement? Idk.

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        1. There were. Many people didn’t feel outraged about the Kursk submarine; that was not the first signal but the most pronounced. And if you think about even earlier years – what was the public reaction to Chechen wars? And once again, I blame myself for not paying attention back then. Not like I didn’t know enough – I chose not to think about it because it was a sort of continuation of Russian Imperial history, about which we rarely had a second thought.

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