I am sure I blogged about it a couple of times, but one more time…
Why the second question to me should be, “where are you from?” It does not define me! It’s not the first, second, or third thing that defines me! Sometimes I am inclined to play a game that my friend Lena often plays when asked the same question. She moved around quite a bit, so she would say: I am local. And then people ask her: but where did you live previously? she would say: in Chicago. And before that? – In London. And before that? – in Albany… you got it.
Often, I do not have time for this game, and instead, I ask: you mean where my accent is from?
I understand a general curiosity, but really – you are in a professional environment, or you are volunteering together for a common cause, and the second question is, “what’s your ethnical background?!”
My name is Henrietta (Hettie) Dombrovskaya. I was born in Saint-Petersburg, Russian (actually, back then – Leningrad, USSR) in 1963, and immigrated to the United States in 1996.
I love Saint Petersburg, the city I was born and raised in, and I think it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world. Similarly (but differently) I love Chicago, and can’t imagine myself moving somewhere else in the observable future.
I have three children, Igor, Vlad and Anna, all adults living on their own, and one (so far) granddaughter Nadia. I also believe that my children are the best thing that happened in my life.
As for my professional life, I am working in the field of Information Technologies. When I was twenty, I’ve declared that the databases are the coolest thing invented and that I want to do them for the rest of my life. Thirty plus years later, I still believe it’s true, and still, believe that the databases are the best. These two statements together imply that I think a person can have it all, and indeed, I think so! Keep reading my journals to find out how I did it.
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11 thoughts on “Annoyed”
You know, this is what blogging should be like. Honest talk and discussion.
And at the same time it is totally understandable question. I would be annoyed with that game.
And we are more complex of course, but it is part of our identity.
Marina
It is understandable, but still rude. For example, we do not ask a person who looks unusual (in any way) “why they are like that.” If we have a brief interaction with this person, we shouldn/t even ask, if we are interacting with them for some time, it might come up. For some people, their heritage is the most definitive part of who they are, for some it’s not. 90% of what I am doing or what I am thinking about has nothing to do with my heritage. I am not saying it’s wrong to ask, I am saying, it’s wrong when it is literally the second question, often before “what’s your name.” And when I reply and say that I live here for 26 years, the second question is “how do you like it here,” and the third question is “you must fill terrible now, with the war and everything.”
I don’t feel that this question is rude. I don’t get offended with this question. A few days ago I asked our host in a restaurant (after we had a small talk conversation) the same question. She happily answered and we talked for a while about the country she is from. We travelled there many years ago, we told her where we visited, she shared with us which region she is from. I am not trying to proof that my opinion is more valuable than yours. But it is always better to have less issues to be annoyed about, just makes life a little easier.
could be. I traveled in March and was asked a lot this question. I am wondering though if this question annoys you more these days? And it is for obvious reason. If this is the case, well, I would blame horrible regime of our motherland, not the people who are asking this question.
No, it was annoying for years, and I blogged about it several times. It has nothing to do with “how I feel being Russian”. It is precisely what I said – when it’s the first thing that interests people. It’s simply – “that’s not what defines me,” and it was always like this.
Hettie's Reflections 
You know, this is what blogging should be like. Honest talk and discussion.
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Probably you are right. I was keeping this particular blog discussion-free, but I guess it goes against my character :).
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And at the same time it is totally understandable question. I would be annoyed with that game.
And we are more complex of course, but it is part of our identity.
Marina
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It is understandable, but still rude. For example, we do not ask a person who looks unusual (in any way) “why they are like that.” If we have a brief interaction with this person, we shouldn/t even ask, if we are interacting with them for some time, it might come up. For some people, their heritage is the most definitive part of who they are, for some it’s not. 90% of what I am doing or what I am thinking about has nothing to do with my heritage. I am not saying it’s wrong to ask, I am saying, it’s wrong when it is literally the second question, often before “what’s your name.” And when I reply and say that I live here for 26 years, the second question is “how do you like it here,” and the third question is “you must fill terrible now, with the war and everything.”
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I don’t feel that this question is rude. I don’t get offended with this question. A few days ago I asked our host in a restaurant (after we had a small talk conversation) the same question. She happily answered and we talked for a while about the country she is from. We travelled there many years ago, we told her where we visited, she shared with us which region she is from. I am not trying to proof that my opinion is more valuable than yours. But it is always better to have less issues to be annoyed about, just makes life a little easier.
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It depends on how often you run into the same issue :), but I hear you!
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could be. I traveled in March and was asked a lot this question. I am wondering though if this question annoys you more these days? And it is for obvious reason. If this is the case, well, I would blame horrible regime of our motherland, not the people who are asking this question.
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No, it was annoying for years, and I blogged about it several times. It has nothing to do with “how I feel being Russian”. It is precisely what I said – when it’s the first thing that interests people. It’s simply – “that’s not what defines me,” and it was always like this.
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Maybe for you it is different, meaning it defines you more or to the larger extent than it defines me 🙂
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want to add how I talked to this host in a restaurant: “If you don’t mind me asking…” And she said: “not at all”.
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And that makes a difference!
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