Tag: relationships

TIME Magazine: Sharing a Bed

There is one thing I don’t understand about that: people are willing to invest tons of money for the sake of sleeping in one bed as if they are in two separate beds. What’s the problem in actually sleeping in two separate beds, at least sometimes? And nobody knows about it anyway :).

Link to the article: How to share a bed.

Frank Thewes is used to hearing from people who wake up on the wrong side of bed because of their partner’s sleeping habits—but who don’t want to move into separate rooms. He was one of them, once. “It can be highly symbolic for somebody to consider a sleep divorce,” says Thewes, a couples therapist in Princeton, N.J. “For a lot of people, that’s scary territory, so they want to avoid it.”

Snoozing apart—for even just one or two nights of the week—often ends up being the best decision for a couple. But it’s not the only solution. Thewes has transformed his own sleep life thanks to a variety of new technologies (plus buying the biggest bed he could find), and now he and his wife both enjoy sleeping next to each other. “A heavily-equipped couple is a couple that can have great sleep without a sleep divorce,” he says. “You don’t have to wake up resenting your partner.”

The first step to figuring out a way to make it work is understanding that sleep is highly individualized: we all need a different amount and prefer different hours, says Jeff Kahn, CEO of the sleep tracker app Rise Science. If one person wants to go to bed at 9 p.m. and their partner would rather turn in at 1 a.m., there’s nothing wrong with either of them. “It’s a genetic thing, not a behavioral trait,” he says—and treating it as such can improve relationships. Your wife likes to sleep in until 10 a.m.? She’s not lazy; she needs it, Kahn says. Approaching conversations with that in mind can help you have more empathy for each other and talk out ways to coexist without sacrificing either of your zzzs, he adds.

With that goal in mind, we asked experts how couples can turn a few nightmare scenarios into sweet dreams.

Try a vibrating alarm
Couples who rise together, stay together? Not exactly. Plenty of people who share a bed go to sleep and get up at different times—and it’s important to have a conversation about how it’s working out, says Cali Bahrenfuss, a clinical sleep health educator who owns Delta Sleep Coaching in Sioux Falls, S.D. Ask your partner: “If I come to bed at 11, am I waking you up? Should I come in a little earlier, or a little later?” “A lot of people don’t have that conversation, and making a few small changes can go a long way,” she says.

For example: If one of you gets up way earlier than the other, ditch the screeching loud alarm clock. Instead, opt for a vibrating alarm, advises Shelby Harris, a clinical associate professor of neurology and psychology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx. If you wear a smartwatch to bed, you could configure it there; you could also test out the Shake-N-Wake Vibrating Alarm Clock, or one of many similar options available online. Vibrating alarms are typically designed to slide underneath your pillow, and they’re popular among people who are hard-of-hearing, as well as early risers who don’t want to disturb their partner. “They’re really useful for some people,” says Harris, who’s the author of The Women’s Guide to Overcoming Insomnia. “I try to get people away from regular clocks if the other person is really sensitive.”

Buy more pillows than you think you need
If your partner is creating light that bothers you, it’s time to build a pillow wall. Everyone should have at least two comfortable pillows, so that couples aren’t fighting over who gets the best one, Thewes says. Then invest in extras that can line the space between the two of you. “If you’re trying to go to sleep and your partner is watching their devices, it’s like a tiny wall there, because you can’t see over it,” he says.

Test out an eye mask
These days, they come in many different styles, Bahrenfuss points out. Some are marketed as “blackout” masks and designed to block all light; others are made out of silk or are weighted. “Smart masks” are equipped with features like bluetooth headphones and even soothing heat and vibration, taking the eyemask experience to the next level.

Change the temperature of your bed
Thewes runs cool, while his wife tends to be warmer. So who gets the final say on the thermostat? It turns out it doesn’t matter: The couple invested in a dual-zone temperature system for their bed. A variety of companies offer contraptions that pump warm or cool into the bed, allowing each person to choose whatever temperature they like best for their own side. BedJet’s system, for example, can blast air that’s between 66°F and 104°F—at the same time. “It’s brilliant,” Thewes says. “You can’t feel the other person’s [settings] at all. I go on vacation now, and it doesn’t matter how nice the bed is, I’m like, ‘I’m missing the ability to control the temperature.’”

Buy two duvets
If you’d rather stay low tech, consider the Scandinavian sleep method—a fancy term for using two separate duvets (or other covers). That way, you can choose the fabric and weight you like best, or even shake the blanket off altogether. And no one will get mad at their bedmate for hogging the covers. “With two separate blankets, we get to be together in the bed and have individualized control over the sleep experience,” Thewes says. “A blanket is not designed for two opposing styles—‘I roll this way and you roll that way.’ The people don’t have the shortcomings; the blanket does.”

Push two beds together
Some people perform elaborate gymnastics routines while they’re asleep—tossing and turning like it might earn them a prize. If you’re tired of all that motion, consider pushing two XL twin beds together, Bahrenfuss suggests. You can even use a mattress connector to create a practically king-size bed. “The easiest way to remedy the situation—and also remedy temperature control—is to put two beds together,” Bahrenfuss says. “That way your movement isn’t disrupting your partner, and you have access to your own sheet set and comforter. It’s a better way to be able to move around at night without fear of disrupting your partner.” It often works well, she adds, for people with insomnia who frequently leave the bedroom overnight but feel guilty about annoying whoever is on the other side of the bed. It can also be a solution for those who want to share their bed with a pet, much to their partner’s chagrin.

Another option, Bahrenfuss adds, is costlier: Shop around for mattresses like Tempur-Pedic’s that are designed for motion isolation, which means movement on one part shouldn’t be felt elsewhere. You can check out online reviews to help determine if they live up to their claims. But not everyone can afford a new mattress, Bahrenfuss acknowledges—or want to splurge without knowing it will work well for them.

Silence the snoring
Sharing a bed with someone who snores can be disruptive. But keep in mind that snoring—which is caused by an obstruction in the airway—sometimes signals sleep apnea, in which people repeatedly stop and start breathing while they sleep. If the dull roar of your partner’s snoring is keeping you awake, encourage him or her to see a doctor for a sleep study, Harris advises. Treatment with a CPAP machine could make a world of difference for both of you.

Beyond that, take a cue from Thewes and get acquainted with a pair of foam or silicone earplugs, or noise-canceling headphones. “This is the first line of defense if you have a snorer in the bed or somebody who likes to watch TV,” he says. As headphones get more advanced, they’ve also become more comfortable, he notes; he knows people who sleep in Apple AirPods Max, which slide on over the ears, but there are also lots of smaller, in-ear options that you’ll barely feel overnight.

You might consider, too, enlisting the services of a white noise machine. Thewes has been using one for more than 40 years, since he was 5. It helps create a “neutral sound in the room” that can conceal light snoring and other sounds, he says. Keeping a box fan on can also be helpful—some people find it soothing, he says, and it can drown out a good bit of sound.

Experts agree it’s worth experimenting with a number of options until you figure out what works for you and your partner. “Getting good sleep is a foundational piece of mental health,” Thewes says. “If you can get good sleep and be well-rested, you’re more prepared for internal and external challenges the next day, and that includes being part of a relationship or going to work or being a parent or any other part of your life.”

How My Relationships With My Mom Evolved

My mom definitely punished me at a relatively young age. Even though she didn’t spank me, she would yell at me and give me “citations” but that was pretty much what all parents would do even with their toddlers. Later, she started giving me a sielent treatment.

I am trying to recall when it started, because at the time that I am writing about (when I was ten year old) this was definitely happening on regular basis. She would all of a sudden stop talking to me, stop replying to my questions, won’t tell me what I did wrong, and it would continue until I start to cry unconsolably. She would then keep ignoring me and just periodically say in a very tense voice: don’t you dare to be hysterical around me! By that time, I was extremely emotionally depended on her. It was not like this when I was younger. I would be fine staying at dacha when I was five, or being in the sanatorium when I was six. She told me later that she missed me very much and was looking for excuses to visit me more often. I was happy to see her, but I was not unhappy when she was not around. By the time I was nine or ten, it changed. When she was not around, I felt like an abandoned lover, and when she was around and was upset with me, my life was a living hell. At the time when she was giving me a silent treatment and letting me cry and cry, I thought to myself that it is not possible that she loved me and let me cry. Eventually she would finally tell me what my crime was, and after I admit my crime and ask for forgiveness, she was a loving mother again.

Now I understand that being subjected to this treatment, I learned that it’s OK to hurt a person whom you love. It’s OK to be cruel, and it does not diminish the value of your love. It took me many years to unlearn this, and not without casualties. I do not hold this against her, nor many other things. It’s not about redemption. I just remember about it when she attempts to do something similar, and make sure I am not involving myself in these games. Sometimes, I actually have to yell at her, because it’s the only way to make her take something seriously, and it’s upsetting that that’s the language she understands.

My historical posts are being published in random order. Please refer to the page Hettie’s timeline to find where exactly each post belongs and what was before and after.

*** (another one)

On Thursday, I visited the conference venue and talked to the event manager about the conference details. When I returned to the office, I sent a Telegram message to K., who is our Chair of the Talks Selection Committee and my good friend. She is seven time zones ahead of me, but I knew that she was waiting to hear the results of my meeting so that she could finalize the schedule. I asked her whether she could talk so that I could fill her in.

She replied that she was out with her husband for their anniversary dinner and that she didn’t think he would take it well. I apologized and put all of the details into an email, but I thought: my husband would take it well! I even asked Boris the next day :). He said that he would probably make fun of me, but he would definitely understand and wouldn’t hold it against me.

I know that that’s against all psychology, all work-life balance basics, and contrary to how happy families should function. But that’s how it works for us:)

***

Boris arrived Sunday evening. I was thinking about how, during my February trip, we didn’t spend enough time talking and being together overall because I couldn’t detach myself from work, relax, or just be happy. Even the time which was technically a vacation time, didn’t work like this. I decided that this time would be different. I think that although work is still insane, I managed to put my life back on track during the last several days. Escorting after a long time not doing it and then spending a lot of time together with N. felt like finally doing the right thing. Our plan for Monday was for Boris to come to the Lopp and attend another screening of the CEUFF, but the weather was summer-like again, and I knew it was not for long, so I decided to change the plan. I left work earlier, came home, and we went for a long walk, and then sat and talked for several hours straight. And that was the best thing I did for a very long time!

One friend of mine will tell that she always knows who took a picture judging by how I look 🙂

Friendship

When we met with my friend N. on Sunday, she asked me whether I could promise her to wear the gift she was going to give me all the time. I said yes, and this bracelet is on my wrist now – all the time!

Nostalghia

The Siskel Film Center started the screening of the newly restored Andrei Tarkovsky’s Nostalghia, and I decided to go. I tried to watch Nostalgia twice before, and both times, I didn’t have enough patience, so I decided that watching it in the movie theater would pin me to my seat for these 2+ hours.

I love most of Tarkovsky’s movies, and I like the ones I do not love, so I thought that I was missing something with Nostalghia. Now I watched it to the end, and although I appreciate the artistic work, it’s probably the first of Tarkovsky’s movies I didn’t like. Most likely, it’s about me, not about Tarkovsky, but now I am thinking whether it’s time for me to watch again the ones I loved for many years.

I know one thing that changed in me: I am not interested in lengthy discussions about personal relationships, like who thought what and who did what because of what they thought. I am now realizing that it’s the bulk of classic literature and movies :), but I hope that there is still something out for me!

***

I spent more than an hour trying to say something, but I am giving up: I do not have enough words (or proper words) to describe how I feel. So let me say just that: this year, I am most thankful for Boris being here and helping me in all possible ways: with Postgres things and with personal things, and with everything, giving me the support that helped me to move along and avoid burnout. I won’t be where I am now without him, and my gratitude has no limit 🙂

Family

After the Thanksgiving dinner, my mom told Anna that she was “the only person in that family who had a normal family.” Later, Boris commented that I’d pretended that this statement was not related to us. To be honest, I heard so many things from my mom that nothing can surprise me, so although I realize that my mom meant Vlad’s family, my own family, and Igor’s absence of the family, I can happily ignore what she says.

Last week, however, I was really surprised by what she said. Actually, it was not the first time she said the same thing, but I was surprised she brought it up again. She said that she was sorry that life was so unfair to me that I didn’t have any special romantic relationships. This statement was so off the charts that it took me a lot of self-reflection not to say anything (when I told Boris about that, the look of surprise on his face was something I do not see that often:)).

My mom refers to one of her life stories when there was a person with whom she met once or twice a month for a couple of years, and they would go to the theater performance or to one of many suburban palace parks around Saint Petersburg. He also recorded lengthy messages on tape for her (she saved them, and I digitized them several years ago.) When she talks about these relationships, she proudly says that “there was no sex or anything like this” and that “nowadays, people can’t even imagine that it is possible.” I do not understand why having sexless relationships is something to be proud of and something I should regret not having. Sometimes, I really want to ask her whether she ever had a satisfying sexual life – ever. Also, I find it very difficult to understand why having six years of marriage to my father, and then having a couple of these sexless stories, and then having over ten years of secret relationships with a married man in Moscow – why this is more “normal” and better than my family life.

Family life and life in general is not about romantic escapades. It’s about building a life together, understanding each other, and supporting each other in all possible ways. I understand that when you are seventeen, you might think that love is about demonstrating your feelings, but I am long past that; even though Boris says that we are not the most rational people in the world and we do crazy things often, it’s a different kind of craziness 🙂

Actually, the thing I am most thankful for this year is how our relationships reached a new level and how we learned to appreciate each other – even more than before.

Speaking Up

I mentioned another mentoring volunteering organization I joined in September. I thought it would be more organized than OMD, but it turned out the other way. 🙂 I believe the core of the problem was the same – all of a sudden, the program expanded dramatically, and it became more difficult to keep up with mentor/mentee matching and overall organization. I was not matched for a long time, then I was matched with the wrong scholar (a person who wanted to be in a different program), and then, I was matched last moment with somebody who was absolutely not into STEM (I am not sure why she signed up on the first place). I think she will end up dropping.

However, while I am/was still on the roll, I joined a workshop with Dr. Valerie Lewis, and I am so impressed with her! She’s everything: incredibly smart, and her research is her primary focus; however, she does not live in an ivory tower. She navigated the complicated path of being a woman of color in STEM, not ignoring the obstacles. Another workshop participant said: “I am just doing my work and ignoring everything else.” That’s not Dr. Lewis’s position. She faces challenges, discrimination, and assumptions. She is tired of them, but she has the courage and boldness to address them openly. At the same time, she is not making this fight the first and primary goal of her life, nor does she become bitter. She still has a shiny positive personality. Let me say it again. She does not ignore problems; she stands up for herself, but she does not allow the problems to own her life. I wish I could be friends with her!

On another, however, related topic. At work, we just had a mandatory workplace harassment prevention training. It was a new course, and it was very well done – I learned something new about the techniques of identifying harassement and microagressions. One of my coworkers has being relating to me for a while that they were treated poorly by their manager. To be precise, they didn’t complain to me, but since we are in the office, I overheard multiple conversations, and after there most severe ones, I could not help but asking them privately how they felt. I’ve encouraged my co-worker to complaint about the situation, and not look for excuses for their manager (the manager had an ongoing difficult family situation). After that training, my coworker finally decided to act. Firstm they complained to the manager’s manager that there were no regular one-on-ones, and then, when one-on-one was scheduled, my coworker related to their manager how they felt about certain situations. I saw the change in their manager’s behavior immediately, so I knew that the conversation happened (which was later confirmed). Obviously, only time will tell whether the change is permanent, but I was incredibly proud of my coworker for finding enough courage to speak and relate all their grievances. I know that it was pushing the envelope, and that it was difficult! They thought that nothing will change, but things changed right away (for good or temporarily – we’ll have to see!

Romance In Our Lives

Yesterday’s visit to mom was one of these visits when she retells her life going through the usual circle. One of the stories she shared with me shortly after she came to the US was her very long romantic relationship with one of he co-workers. She was divorced at the time, and somehow I can’t recall whether he was married or not. I remember that her very last romantic relationship was with a married man, but I can’t recall what she said about that one. In any case, they would meet once a month and go to one of the suburbian parks and picnicked by one old oak stump, and they sometimes would see a play, and he also recorded a lot of audio tapes for her, basically audio letters with music.

Where I am getting is that when she retells this story, she always makes a point to mention that it was purely romantic and that there was nothing sexual in these relationships, and that’s “not how people are these days,” and that “nowadays generation does not understand.” I always listen to this politely and never ask her what is so good about “nothing sexual,” especially between people in their 30s. However, yesterday, there was a new addition to this story because she continued to something along the lines “every parent wants their children to be happy,” and then “sometimes I am sorry for you that you didn’t get what you deserve.” Then she proceeded to her usual paragraph about Boris speeding up my professional career and how she “never asks personal questions.”

It shocked me, to be honest, probably because I am so used to people commenting that they envy the never-ending romance I have in my life. So much that sometimes I have to explain that there are not only roses:). Yes, those who hear about our “long-distance relationship” for the first time often think (or even say) that that’s not right. But everybody who knows us knows how much in love we are. Not writing off all storms and all fights we had in the past, we are the biggest gift to each other.

Now I am really curious what she thinks I missed in life :). If anything, I felt sorry for her for a long time because I thought that she never had a complete and absorbing relationship of hers. I thought that was why she was so jealous of me and hated Boris and our relationships. Later she told me about her other relationship, and I realized that she actually had a good one in the second half of her life, and I stopped being sorry for her in this particular case. What she is sorry for me about, is still a mystery 🙂