Tag: relationships

*** (another one)

On Thursday, I visited the conference venue and talked to the event manager about the conference details. When I returned to the office, I sent a Telegram message to K., who is our Chair of the Talks Selection Committee and my good friend. She is seven time zones ahead of me, but I knew that she was waiting to hear the results of my meeting so that she could finalize the schedule. I asked her whether she could talk so that I could fill her in.

She replied that she was out with her husband for their anniversary dinner and that she didn’t think he would take it well. I apologized and put all of the details into an email, but I thought: my husband would take it well! I even asked Boris the next day :). He said that he would probably make fun of me, but he would definitely understand and wouldn’t hold it against me.

I know that that’s against all psychology, all work-life balance basics, and contrary to how happy families should function. But that’s how it works for us:)

***

Boris arrived Sunday evening. I was thinking about how, during my February trip, we didn’t spend enough time talking and being together overall because I couldn’t detach myself from work, relax, or just be happy. Even the time which was technically a vacation time, didn’t work like this. I decided that this time would be different. I think that although work is still insane, I managed to put my life back on track during the last several days. Escorting after a long time not doing it and then spending a lot of time together with N. felt like finally doing the right thing. Our plan for Monday was for Boris to come to the Lopp and attend another screening of the CEUFF, but the weather was summer-like again, and I knew it was not for long, so I decided to change the plan. I left work earlier, came home, and we went for a long walk, and then sat and talked for several hours straight. And that was the best thing I did for a very long time!

One friend of mine will tell that she always knows who took a picture judging by how I look 🙂

Friendship

When we met with my friend N. on Sunday, she asked me whether I could promise her to wear the gift she was going to give me all the time. I said yes, and this bracelet is on my wrist now – all the time!

Nostalghia

The Siskel Film Center started the screening of the newly restored Andrei Tarkovsky’s Nostalghia, and I decided to go. I tried to watch Nostalgia twice before, and both times, I didn’t have enough patience, so I decided that watching it in the movie theater would pin me to my seat for these 2+ hours.

I love most of Tarkovsky’s movies, and I like the ones I do not love, so I thought that I was missing something with Nostalghia. Now I watched it to the end, and although I appreciate the artistic work, it’s probably the first of Tarkovsky’s movies I didn’t like. Most likely, it’s about me, not about Tarkovsky, but now I am thinking whether it’s time for me to watch again the ones I loved for many years.

I know one thing that changed in me: I am not interested in lengthy discussions about personal relationships, like who thought what and who did what because of what they thought. I am now realizing that it’s the bulk of classic literature and movies :), but I hope that there is still something out for me!

***

I spent more than an hour trying to say something, but I am giving up: I do not have enough words (or proper words) to describe how I feel. So let me say just that: this year, I am most thankful for Boris being here and helping me in all possible ways: with Postgres things and with personal things, and with everything, giving me the support that helped me to move along and avoid burnout. I won’t be where I am now without him, and my gratitude has no limit 🙂

Family

After the Thanksgiving dinner, my mom told Anna that she was “the only person in that family who had a normal family.” Later, Boris commented that I’d pretended that this statement was not related to us. To be honest, I heard so many things from my mom that nothing can surprise me, so although I realize that my mom meant Vlad’s family, my own family, and Igor’s absence of the family, I can happily ignore what she says.

Last week, however, I was really surprised by what she said. Actually, it was not the first time she said the same thing, but I was surprised she brought it up again. She said that she was sorry that life was so unfair to me that I didn’t have any special romantic relationships. This statement was so off the charts that it took me a lot of self-reflection not to say anything (when I told Boris about that, the look of surprise on his face was something I do not see that often:)).

My mom refers to one of her life stories when there was a person with whom she met once or twice a month for a couple of years, and they would go to the theater performance or to one of many suburban palace parks around Saint Petersburg. He also recorded lengthy messages on tape for her (she saved them, and I digitized them several years ago.) When she talks about these relationships, she proudly says that “there was no sex or anything like this” and that “nowadays, people can’t even imagine that it is possible.” I do not understand why having sexless relationships is something to be proud of and something I should regret not having. Sometimes, I really want to ask her whether she ever had a satisfying sexual life – ever. Also, I find it very difficult to understand why having six years of marriage to my father, and then having a couple of these sexless stories, and then having over ten years of secret relationships with a married man in Moscow – why this is more “normal” and better than my family life.

Family life and life in general is not about romantic escapades. It’s about building a life together, understanding each other, and supporting each other in all possible ways. I understand that when you are seventeen, you might think that love is about demonstrating your feelings, but I am long past that; even though Boris says that we are not the most rational people in the world and we do crazy things often, it’s a different kind of craziness 🙂

Actually, the thing I am most thankful for this year is how our relationships reached a new level and how we learned to appreciate each other – even more than before.

Speaking Up

I mentioned another mentoring volunteering organization I joined in September. I thought it would be more organized than OMD, but it turned out the other way. 🙂 I believe the core of the problem was the same – all of a sudden, the program expanded dramatically, and it became more difficult to keep up with mentor/mentee matching and overall organization. I was not matched for a long time, then I was matched with the wrong scholar (a person who wanted to be in a different program), and then, I was matched last moment with somebody who was absolutely not into STEM (I am not sure why she signed up on the first place). I think she will end up dropping.

However, while I am/was still on the roll, I joined a workshop with Dr. Valerie Lewis, and I am so impressed with her! She’s everything: incredibly smart, and her research is her primary focus; however, she does not live in an ivory tower. She navigated the complicated path of being a woman of color in STEM, not ignoring the obstacles. Another workshop participant said: “I am just doing my work and ignoring everything else.” That’s not Dr. Lewis’s position. She faces challenges, discrimination, and assumptions. She is tired of them, but she has the courage and boldness to address them openly. At the same time, she is not making this fight the first and primary goal of her life, nor does she become bitter. She still has a shiny positive personality. Let me say it again. She does not ignore problems; she stands up for herself, but she does not allow the problems to own her life. I wish I could be friends with her!

On another, however, related topic. At work, we just had a mandatory workplace harassment prevention training. It was a new course, and it was very well done – I learned something new about the techniques of identifying harassement and microagressions. One of my coworkers has being relating to me for a while that they were treated poorly by their manager. To be precise, they didn’t complain to me, but since we are in the office, I overheard multiple conversations, and after there most severe ones, I could not help but asking them privately how they felt. I’ve encouraged my co-worker to complaint about the situation, and not look for excuses for their manager (the manager had an ongoing difficult family situation). After that training, my coworker finally decided to act. Firstm they complained to the manager’s manager that there were no regular one-on-ones, and then, when one-on-one was scheduled, my coworker related to their manager how they felt about certain situations. I saw the change in their manager’s behavior immediately, so I knew that the conversation happened (which was later confirmed). Obviously, only time will tell whether the change is permanent, but I was incredibly proud of my coworker for finding enough courage to speak and relate all their grievances. I know that it was pushing the envelope, and that it was difficult! They thought that nothing will change, but things changed right away (for good or temporarily – we’ll have to see!

Romance In Our Lives

Yesterday’s visit to mom was one of these visits when she retells her life going through the usual circle. One of the stories she shared with me shortly after she came to the US was her very long romantic relationship with one of he co-workers. She was divorced at the time, and somehow I can’t recall whether he was married or not. I remember that her very last romantic relationship was with a married man, but I can’t recall what she said about that one. In any case, they would meet once a month and go to one of the suburbian parks and picnicked by one old oak stump, and they sometimes would see a play, and he also recorded a lot of audio tapes for her, basically audio letters with music.

Where I am getting is that when she retells this story, she always makes a point to mention that it was purely romantic and that there was nothing sexual in these relationships, and that’s “not how people are these days,” and that “nowadays generation does not understand.” I always listen to this politely and never ask her what is so good about “nothing sexual,” especially between people in their 30s. However, yesterday, there was a new addition to this story because she continued to something along the lines “every parent wants their children to be happy,” and then “sometimes I am sorry for you that you didn’t get what you deserve.” Then she proceeded to her usual paragraph about Boris speeding up my professional career and how she “never asks personal questions.”

It shocked me, to be honest, probably because I am so used to people commenting that they envy the never-ending romance I have in my life. So much that sometimes I have to explain that there are not only roses:). Yes, those who hear about our “long-distance relationship” for the first time often think (or even say) that that’s not right. But everybody who knows us knows how much in love we are. Not writing off all storms and all fights we had in the past, we are the biggest gift to each other.

Now I am really curious what she thinks I missed in life :). If anything, I felt sorry for her for a long time because I thought that she never had a complete and absorbing relationship of hers. I thought that was why she was so jealous of me and hated Boris and our relationships. Later she told me about her other relationship, and I realized that she actually had a good one in the second half of her life, and I stopped being sorry for her in this particular case. What she is sorry for me about, is still a mystery 🙂

Detskiy Sad At The Dacha Part 2.

It has been two months since I posted my last historical blog. These blogs require more time and thoughts, and my life in November and December didn’t exactly have any room for extra thoughts. 

Following my New Year resolution, I will continue from where I left. My last post was about summer 1968 when I stayed at the dacha with the other kids from my detskiy sad. Although it was summer, fresh fruits were perennial “deficit.” Parents took turns to buy cherries or strawberries at the farmer’s markets and deliver them to the dacha. I asked mom recently, but she does not remember any details. It was definitely not every day, and the fruits would arrive after a nap. I remember slaying in bed and seeing somebody’s mom serving strawberries in the saucers. 

I am trying to recall how often we had “parent’s days.” Later, when I was at pioneer camps, we had parent’s days only once per three-week session. But I do not remember how it was with detskiy sad. I think mom was coming once a week. Sometimes, my father would come, too, and we would go for a walk in the woods. They always brought me some fruits and other treats. Once, my father brought me mango – they were non-existent, mango juice would come along sometimes as a rare treat. 

However, I do not remember missing my mom that much.

Sometimes, the teachers were cruel and punished us for no good reason. Sometimes, the night shift counselor would wake us up to pee into the bucket and not wet the beds (even though almost nobody did). But is was never like, “I want to go home!”

I do not think I had any unhealthy separation issues when I was a young child. As I mentioned, I had no problem adjusting to detskiy sad from the beginning. My completely unhealthy attachment to mom developed later, under her direct influence. 

I am not sure why she wanted me to be so dependent and miss her so much. Perhaps, she needed it for her self-esteem – to know that she is “in demand.” Perhaps, she does not know that there could be other relationships. Now, I feel sad when I observe that she developed the same emotional dependency on me. I try very hard not to abuse it. To my New Year resolution – I should be more emotionally invested when I interact with her. Simply to give her more. 

2021/2022

I know that I am at least two weeks late with this post, but it’s only in the past two days that I found some time to write it all, although it was in my head for quite a while. Here it goes.

***

As I’ve said multiple times, what a year!!! Although all changes were for good at the end of the year, and I am ending on the positive side of things, it was too much! Because of so many things happening, I inevitably “lost” some things; that is, I had no time to do everything I wanted. 

The most important thing in 2021 was my move. I could not imagine the extent to which it would change my life before it happened, neither could I foresee many of the individual changes. It’s too early to be sure – I have lived in Rogers Park for less than a year – but I think that the impact of this event on my life may be the closest to my move to the US; so many things have changed! 

Besides the move, it was:

  • our book was published
  • I sold my car, and after 24 years of driving, became a non-driver
  • I changed job
  • Sold my old house
  • Refinanced my new house, which dramatically improved my financial situation
  • changed job one more time, and became a part of the EDB family

Both job changes were accompanied by a lot of rethinking what I want from a job, what is important to me, what I think about myself, and my impact on the Universe. 

I want to be very clear – I do not regret making the first career move this year. I learned a lot during this shortest tenure I ever had, and I will never look the same way at many aspects of database development. I have a different level of expectations: for myself and the Postgres community. On the other hand, I’ve experienced the biggest personal and professional disappointment in my life. Chad was such an important figure for me for over twenty years that I still feel the void. The irony of the situation is that many years ago, his influence helped me to become this very person who can’t tolerate the behavior he demonstrated. He is definitely my “person of the year” – in the Times magazine meaning. 

As for my second career move, the impact was also unexpected. I didn’t expect it to be such a big deal as it turned to be. I didn’t know how different that consulting was going to be. And in any case, I am just starting!

And one more big change of the year. I think that has been going on for a couple of years now, but I heard it in these terms only this summer. My then-new coworker exclaimed during our group lunch: oh, you are famous! How does it feel to be famous? I replied that I felt it was an extra responsibility, it’s that I needed to think twice before saying or typing something. That I know what I say makes an impact. I know that people listen and judge. 

And here are my hopes and my resolutions for 2022.

Work-life integration

  • I want 2022 to be less eventful than 2021! It was too much!
  • I do not want to change jobs in 2022. I want to stay where I am now, at least for 1.5 years. 
  • I want to use my position as an EDB employee to make many things, and especially NORM, happen in Postgres.
  • I want to resume my activities on building and maintaining Chicago PUG. I didn’t do it well in the past 3 or 4 months, and I need to change it. 
  • I need to learn to work from home. I remember that there were times when I liked it. I do not like it anymore, and there are too many things which fit nicely in my life when I work in the office. I need to learn to organize my life working from home, not just a couple of times a week but all the time. 
  • On that subject, I need to re-evaluate what I spend time on. Now that I am more financially stable than ever, I should learn to spend money rather than time in many situations, from taking Uber more often to purchasing more food online. 
  • I want to finally get on a more normal sleep schedule and not try to sleep less than I need.

Finances

  • I want to continue saving more than I did in previous years to invest more in my retirement and rainy day fund.
  • I need to stick to the schedule I developed to pay off my mortgage ahead of time; by the time I retire.
  • I need to look at how much and which causes I donate and restructure my donations. Overall, to give more. 

People and relationships

  • I want to make more time to people in my life, both “live” and virtually, not to abandon relationships because of “lack of time.”
  • I need to learn to be more patient with mom because my time with her does not benefit me if I am impatient. If I want to do something good for her, I need to be patient and supportive.
  • Allocate time for social media, both Russian and English; different media for different reasons, but if I keep certain social media accounts, there is a reason for each of them.
  • And I need to use this time more productively.

I guess, to summarize, I need to rethink what I spend my time on.

I am not writing anything about my personal life here. Not because there are no goals, but because we have goals regardless of the beginning of the year, and I hope that we will continue to work on our relationships the same way as we did in the second half of 2021. 

That being said, hello 2022!