A Couple More Words About “The Last Green Valley”

I was full of emotions and in a hurry to press “publish,” but now I want to go back to that post.

After I published it, I received an email from a friend in which she related to me how difficult it was for her to accept the uncomfortable truth about the actions of the Soviet Army troops during the March to Berlin when she read this book. This was not the case for me: in recent years, I read enough fiction and documentary on that topic. However, the point of view of an ethnic German who hates Hitler and the Nazis but still joins their convoy to escape the worse evil was complete news, exposing many facts I was not aware of before.

The most interesting is that all these facts are just mentioned, they are not in the center of the story the author tells us. Instead, they are just the background for a truly amazing story of survival, but somehow, and possibly precisely because of that, they are even more convincing.

Another important thing that resonated with me was the evolution of people’s minds after the Germans were defeated. Whenever I think about what will come out of Russia as a result of the current war and what could be a “fix to the world.” Each time I discuss this topic with Boris, he points out that the German government after WWII was dissolved, and the country was functioning under the Allies’ supervision, and that’s what laid the foundation for the eradication of nazism. What I found interesting in this book was how people adapted their beliefs depending on which occupation zone they ended up in. Not everybody strived out of the Russia-occupied zone as Emil Martel did; many people opted to stay with the “known evil” and didn’t want to move to the West even later when they had safer opportunities.

Failure is a Privilege: TIME Magazine

And one more interesting article. I can relate to many of the mentioned situations, including the consequences of failure while being a minority.

Billie Jean King, winner of 39 Grand Slam Tennis titles, said, “Losing a tennis match isn’t failure, it’s research.” Thomas Edison said he hadn’t failed, but rather “found 10,000 ways that don’t work” in his quest to invent a working lightbulb. These game-changing pioneers can extol the benefits of failure all they want. But most of us find failure unpleasant. It helps, I believe, to realize that there is a “right kind of wrong”—a type of failure that brings valuable advances in science, as well as in everyday life. Called “intelligent failures,” these are the undesired results of thoughtful forays into new territory. Intelligent failures illuminate the pathway toward success.

Failure can also be a privilege. As journalist and University of Colorado professor Adam Bradley points out in a New York Times article, “One of the greatest underrecognized privileges of whiteness might be the license it gives some to fail without fear.” Bradley explains that being a member of a minority culture often means your failures, especially if they become public, are seen as representative of an entire group. Your individual failure reflects badly on everyone else like you. John Jennings, professor of media and culture studies at the University of California, Riverside, told Bradley, “I want to get to the point where Joe Schmo Black guy is just safe, can be ordinary—even mediocre.”

Stereotyping is a natural psychological process that causes people to generalize the actions of an individual to their group. This is especially true when a group is underrepresented in a given field or role. Thus, when a person of color fails in a consequential role, people tend to overgeneralize, seeing the failure as related to their race rather than to them as an individual. Intuitively aware of this, members of minority groups feel heightened pressure to succeed, so as to avoid triggering these biases—a pressure that ironically inhibits their ability to perform well.

In fact, that inventor and acoustician James West, whose intelligent failures resulted in more than 250 patents, including one for the electret microphone, was African American makes his success that much more noteworthy. He succeeded in his field despite the entrenched racism that had him being mistaken for a janitor while employed as a scientist at Bell Labs. Imagine the pressure he must have felt to avoid reducing the chances for others like him to follow in his footsteps at Bell Labs and other elite institutions.

Women, especially women in academic science, also lack the luxury of failing unobtrusively. We are at risk of feeling pressure to succeed at all times lest we spoil other women’s opportunities. Scientist Jennifer Heemstra endorses “a culture in science and academia where people can be open about their failures without consequences.” A realist, she adds, “I’ll say that our responsibility to share our failures is proportional to the amount of power we have in the academic system.” As a tenured professor with her own lab at Emory University, Heemstra is now quite open about her failures. But she wasn’t always that way. Her most painful failure—not being voted for tenure the first time around (at a previous university)—turned out to be a gift. The failure was an interruption, forcing reflection.

“[Failing a tenure vote] was definitely the most painful failure of my life, as I felt like I had let down my family and my research group members—basically all of the people I care most about,” explained Heemstra to information-technology researcher Veronika Cheplygina, who also studies failure. “But it can also be a beautifully humbling experience as well. Seeing how all of those people stood by me in the midst of the struggle ended up seismically shifting my worldview and priorities. It gave me a new view of what academia could be and a fire to make that into a reality.”

Note that Heemstra didn’t try to slough off or ignore what she calls “a truly horrible feeling.” She acknowledged and named her feeling and let herself feel bad for a time. This is in line with findings from a 2017 study led by psychologist and researcher Noelle Nelson that focusing on your emotions, rather than thinking about the failure (which tends to generate self-justification), helps people learn and improve. Eventually, Heemstra developed a keen interest in failure that led to research into understanding how undergraduates experience failure in STEM courses and how this affects their decision to continue science careers. She and others have designed an undergraduate research curriculum to engage students in hands-on laboratory learning and give them experience with the right kind of wrong that is so central to discovery.

Similarly, embracing failure is a mainstay in queer (LGBTQIA+) theory and politics. In his seminal book The Queer Art of Failure, transgender media theorist Jack Halberstam argues that the measure and meaning of success is not defined by the individual but rather comes from communities, and that the norms of “success” lead toward a “mindless conformity.” In contrast, embracing failure allows a “free space of reinvention” from which to critique assumptions imposed by the world. Halberstam is part of a group of queer thinkers who see the experience of failure to meet society’s expectations as foundational to queer culture. Mainstays of what it means to live a “successful” life, such as biological prosperity, financial security, health, and longevity, had long been denied to queer people by discriminatory adoption laws, biases in hiring, acts of violence and prejudice, and even the HIV/AIDS epidemic. In failing to live up to heteronormative expectations, queer people must find their own ways to “succeed,” and a core and now celebrated part of this success is the recognition of having first failed.

For instance, drag performance, as an art form, celebrates the experience of queer people welcoming a lack of conformity to society’s expectations. Through its exaggerated contrast, the show makes society’s default expectations more visible. It makes us aware of heteronormative culture as a lens through which we view the world—nudging us out of our default sense, as naïve realists, that we objectively see reality. In the competition reality-television show RuPaul’s Drag Race, a group of mostly male-identified contestants adopt characters who are pastiches of femininity in hyperbolic performances of models and pageant contestants. The show celebrates liberation from expectations on a prime-time stage. And it’s wildly popular. The premiere of its 13th season on January 1, 2021, was, at the time, the show’s most watched episode, garnering 1.3 million viewers via simulcast, a number comparable to the 1.32 million viewers who tuned in to an average NBA game during the 2020–21 season.

Cultivating psychological safety is not the same thing as cultivating belonging, and many have conflated the two in recent years. Here’s how I see it: Psychological safety, which means believing it’s safe to speak up, is enormously important for feeling a sense of belonging. But belonging is more personal, while psychological safety is more collective (it is conceptualized in research studies as an emergent property of a group) and, I think, it is co-created by individuals and the groups to which they wish to belong. The more I study the research on the psychology, sociology, and economics of inequality, the more massive the undertaking of correcting these societal failures feels. At the very least, as a society, we should aspire to creating a world where everyone has an equal license to fail intelligently. That is not the case today. But I believe that we’re ever so slightly closer to that aspiration than we were even just a few years ago. Recognizing our heteronormative, white lens through which we view the world is an important first step.

The Last Green Valley by Mark Sullivan

If you wonder when I have time to read with everything going on in my life, the answer is that about 70% is listening to audiobooks, and most times, I listen while doing something, whether it is exercising, cooking, folding the laundry, you name it.

The Last Green Valley took me a long time to read, and that was one of the rare occasions when I did a synced reading/listening. I finished it a couple of days ago, and I am still under a very deep impression.

This book is just brilliant! It’s really impressive that somebody who does not have ethnic roots in Ukraine could present this story of struggle and survival with such compassion and understanding. Not a single false note!

The book was one more eye-opener for me – I never viewed these historical events from the perspective of ethnic Germans trying to escape the advancement of the Red Army. Lots of details were completely unknown to me, yet I can see how they fold into the big picture. The whole story sounds completely unbelievable, and it comes as a surprise at the end when you learn that it was based on a true story of a real family. When I hear stories like this, I feel that my own life is completely dull and uneventful. I know I will be thinking about this story for a long time, and possibly I will write more about that book.

Gender Bias

There is one more episode that happened at PG Conf EU that I wanted to talk about. Several weeks before the conference, I received a dinner invite from the Swiss Postgres User Group for the third evening of the conference. Having my previous experience with that group, my original intention was to decline, but then I decided to give their organizer a third chance (he is a very nice person!) I accepted, and we went. 

The group was bigger than their largest table could accommodate, so the restaurant added a smaller table, and somehow, Boris and I decided that we would have a better conversation if we chose the seats at this smaller table, especially because the organizer sat there as well.

Well, we were wrong. It was the same story as in the summer of 2022, after which I decided to “never-ever.” Six people at the table; Boris and I are the only two who do not speak German, and the conversation keeps going in German with the occasional “attempts” to talk to us on the usual topic: “So you are Russian, and you drink vodka.” BTW, it started when a Romanian at our table asked for still water, and the waiter brought a pitcher “which looked like vodka,” according to other people at the table. After the second round, I asked to drop this conversation; however, it continued. Another attempt to include us in the conversation was, “So you are from Chicago. And you traveled that far?..

I silently lamented the wasted time and thought about leaving when, all of a sudden, the conversation changed. These two, who were speaking German all the time and asking me about vodka, suddenly started to talk about Postgres, asking me questions, taking notes, and saying that their DBAs should buy my book. 

On our way back to the hotel, Boris said he couldn’t understand why they suddenly started behaving “normally.” But I knew. It started after I saw them checking the conference schedule on their phones and asked them whether they decided where to go the next day. Apparently, until that moment, they thought that I was a plus one of Boris. And after I asked them which talks they liked and answered a professional question, they finally realized that talking to me may be helpful!

The moral of the story:

  1. That’s why we need “Barbie talks” at community conferences.
  2. “Never-ever”

What I Want To Do…

Same as a year ago, I am not writing down the “summary” of 2023, nor am I making any New Year resolutions. However, I had a relatively quiet time in the past several days, and I used this time to think about the directions I am moving, and possible course corrections.

This morning, I asked Boris what he thought I should do less and what I should do more in 2024. He said that he wanted me to be a little bit more relaxed. I started laughing, but he made a very specific point. He said, as he often says, that I am trying to pack too many things on any given day, and because of that, my plans can be easily ruined, and then I am always unhappy about it.

He said that if I left a little bit more room between planned activities, my plans would be more resilient, and although it may feel that I am doing less, I would be able to do more in the end.

I promised to think about that, and I will.

I started several new activities this year, and although they say that starting new activities is good to keep your mind sharp, I know that I had too many. Here are some things I did this year for the first time:

  • Writing paid blogs (that was a second attempt). This activity has both good and bad sides, and as of now, I almost want to stop doing it, but I believe that the better option would be to limit it to one article per month (which is objectively happening now) and to give more thought on what content might be beneficial for me, rather than for the publisher.
  • A number of mentoring opportunities:
    • Code2College volunteering. This was another mixed-bag experience, and I will probably give it another try. The negative part is that I do not believe in remote mentoring, and when you are in different states with your mentee, you can’t even suggest an impromptu meeting. The positive part is that I can see that I make a difference, and my mentee is a young woman with great potential.
    • Greenwood project. I was pulled for one Lunch and Learn event through my work, and I had such positive feedback from the participants that I want to get more involved. I was hesitant to follow up with the project because I was afraid of overcommitment, but the more I think about it, the more I am leaning toward doing just this one rather than others.
    • One more attempt to go back to OMD: I am not doing it again. I had enough sense to cancel my participation before meeting my student (after I passed all the checks and training), and at least for now, that was the right decision.
    • Participating in the Women’s Mentoring Circle at work. I like the idea; the actual implementation was variable, but now, three months into the program, I can see its positive impact. The biggest challenge for me was to let other people speak :).
  • Attending sessions with a therapist. That was a very targeted activity with the goal of improving my communication with my mom, and it really helped. Still, I need to remind myself about the techniques I can use to make this experience better for both of us. No negative sides; all positive
  • Becoming CSO Kids’ ambassador. I most definitely have no time for that activity, but it is so exciting to participate, and there are so many perks that I can’t walk away from this opportunity!
  • Going camping for the first time since I was a”young pioneer.” I liked it, but most likely, I won’t do it without Anna.
  • Discovering Fort Sheridan – I hope I will have more of it next season, and I hope it will become an even more important part of my life.

There are two more activities to which I tentatively agreed, but they didn’t start yet, so it does not count.

P.S. Yes, I am hopeless 🙂

P.P.S. This post is not about “where I want to go” yet. More to come 🙂

Bias Against Bodies Podcasts

WBEZ’s Sasha-Ann Simmons ran the Bias Against Bodies podcast for most of 2023. Here are just three of the episodes.

Fitness

Fashions

Workplace discrimination

I Can’t…

Several times this year, I told myself that I should write something in Russian on Russian social media because I know people for whom reading in English is difficult, and I know that Google Translate does not do justice. I admire those who can write in Russian without compromising themselves. I can’t. Each time I try, I come across people who blog as if everything is normal and it’s OK to wish each other a happy and healthy new year. It might sound not fair because I also blog about “normal stuff,” but I still can’t get over that. Maybe I should rephrase it. It’s not about what people write about but more about whether they consider their lives “normal.” That’s a breaking point for me.

I have friends whom I love and support, and I know that they experience the same outrage reading these “life goes on” posts. For their sake, I should be more present, but each time I try, I feel that I can’t be sincere in liking “all the best in the New Year” posts.

Another possibility is to have a Russian language blog on this platform, which I contemplated several times but never tried. I know that those who get into trouble going to another social media platform just to be able to read what I am writing are people who share my values. I want to be able to keep talking to them.

Between Christmas And New Year

I like this time of the year. I might not be celebrating the New Year as many of the ex-Soviet people do, but I am not one who exclaims, “What’s so special about this day?!” I do look at what I’ve done in the year that is about to be over, and I like it when I hear the year-end podcasts and interviews on the radio. No matter how arbitrary the date is, I like the idea of looking back and seeing what went well and what didn’t, what I can do to correct the course, and what all of us can do to make the world a better place.

That being said, a couple of Time Magazine articles that caught my attention during this holiday week:

Why New Year resolutions fail – I was always curious just about that, and this article gives an interesting perspective (and I added several books to my reading list)

Thirteen ways the world got better in 2023 – A very important reading for obvious reasons. The article lists important breakthroughs in fighting climate change, advances in medicine, and crime reduction.

9 mental health resolutions – The one I never thought of is “develop empathy for someone different from you.” One thing that always puzzles me is “time for yourself.” I think that whatever I am doing is “time for myself,” because I am doing what I want to do, and you will have hard time convincing me otherwise!

And finally, the essay about a new year resolution that resonates with me (most likely because it’s for my age group).

Since there is more than one article today, I am not copying the whole text, so if any of my readers from Russia have difficulties accessing them, please let me know, I will make separate posts for each of them.

***

I spent more than an hour trying to say something, but I am giving up: I do not have enough words (or proper words) to describe how I feel. So let me say just that: this year, I am most thankful for Boris being here and helping me in all possible ways: with Postgres things and with personal things, and with everything, giving me the support that helped me to move along and avoid burnout. I won’t be where I am now without him, and my gratitude has no limit 🙂

Your Future Self

I recently read the book Your Future Self by Hal Hershfield. Although, in the end, the book didn’t impress me that much, I liked the main idea of it. The author states that we often base important decisions on our relationships with our “future selves.” When you think about yourself in the future, ten, twenty, or even thirty years from now, can you imagine your future self as a person? Do you think about that person as a stranger or as “you”? Can you imagine what your future self will enjoy doing? Multiple psychological experiments demonstrated that if an individual thinks about their future self as the same person, they usually make important decisions about their life choice considering their future benefits. To put it in more straightforward words, a person who identifies themself with a “future self” would be more inclined to contribute to their 401(k) and exercise regularly. This example is rather primitive, but you get the idea.

Although, as I said, the book overall didn’t impress me (there are many repetitions, and the author does not go into more complex behavioral examples), I was thinking a lot about that concept. It was new to me, and naturally, I wanted to apply it to myself.

Although my life taught me that I should never presume that things will go a certain way, and although I am always ready for surprises, I definitely think about the future me as “me,” and I care about this person, and I do not expect that they would like some tedious tasks more than I like them now, or that they won’t like to do things I am currently doing. And that’s probably why I spend time on planning for the retirement and potential long-term care and I like having a very detailed plan for my retirement years. However, there are some other aspects of the “future self”, which many Goodreads reviews mention: it’s not only about your financial and physical well-being, but also what kind of a person you will be, and whether you will hold to the same values. Right now, when I think about my retirement, I think about how much more volunteering I will be able to do, and how many new things I would try. Nobody can guarantee that this idea will stay with me, but as of that moment, I definitely associated myself with my future self.

Recently, I often think about “what will happen after,” not tragically, but simply thinking about it more realistically: one day it will happen. One day, I won’t wake up (an optimistic scenario). And yes, I think about leaving money for charities, but not because “I will be recognized, ” but because I truly believe in the causes. I thought about it a lot recenlty: I do not need to have a name on a brick, because it won’t matter when I die. I am not sure whether I expressed my phots clear enough, but it really won’t matter. The only thing matters is what we are doing the right thing now, when you are still alive and can do it.