Mom’s SSI application was denied again. I can’t even say I feel bad about it because, to be honest, we can survive without it. The lady who worked with me on the phone two weeks ago and with whom I talked today was a real angel. She made me feel like she was really trying to do the best for me, and she repeated multiple times that she completely understood our situation, but the rules are what they are. And again, I understand that it’s fair. I was very nervous about this whole thing for the past two weeks, and now life will just go on. She said we would be able to apply again in three years (a little bit less, but whatever), and that is before my retirement, so hopefully, we can last for that long.

I will need to figure out whether we can still apply for subsidized housing, and after January 1, she can apply for Medicare, but for now, I am going to take a break from all of these activities. My time is more important, and when it is wasted, it is wasted.

Unrelated, but also happened today: I went to see an eye doctor about my double vision. Not like I wanted, but when I asked for new prizm glasses in summer, an optometrist told me that he wanted me to check with a specialist whether anything else could be done. Nobody suggested anything radical to me for the past twenty years, but I decided to give it a shot. Another two and a half hours are wasted, and the result is the same: nothing that we can do for you. Just put a patch over your left eye when you go to the movies. Oh, well.

Yesterday was my mom’s regular doctor’s visit. The day before, when I was at her place and submitted the request for the SSI application, she said that “she has a disability.” That was news to me because she never mentioned that she had anything that would classify her as a disabled person. She said, however, that she has a paper from her doctor in Russia about that.

I asked her to find this paper and to bring it with her to the doctor’s office. When we came to the office and sat down there waiting to be called, she showed me the papers. It was something incredibly weird, and now that I am thinking about it, I believe that she mentioned it a long while ago – I just didn’t pay attention. These papers didn’t contain any diagnosis; instead, the paper said that she has a “general illness,” which causes her “disability of the third degree” – the least one, that allowed a person to work. The form was hand-filled and had some official seals but no supporting documents. I told her that I had no idea what it meant and that nothing like this would be considered as a reason for disability benefits. Then she became very upset and started her usual spill in an elevated tone about how when my friend Irina was alive, she could ask her anything about her medical conditions, and Irina would reply, and now that Irina passed away there is nobody whom she can ask, and all the rest what she usually says in this case.

Further in the conversation, I learned that she had fallen down in the bathroom the other day, and her elbow was bleeding, and it took her a while to get out of it. When I brought up the topic of having some help, she told me she did not need any and could do everything at home by herself.
The subsequent conversation with the doctor was somehow more optimistic. I think that’s because the doctor “saw it all,” and she reassured me that “everything is typical,” and it’s great that my mom started using her cane when she goes to the bathroom at night. After this conversation, I realized there was no way I could prevent all the accidents that could happen with my mom, and I just needed to accept it and not stress out either her or me. Another good thing is that although mom’s doctor is moving to another clinic, it’s not as far as I thought, and mom will still be able to see her.

It is not going to happen after all, and that’s one of these situations when the universe tells me loud and clear that I should not. I feel fine, and I didn’t have any fever today, but my test was still positive (which was expected, to be honest).

I was thinking about whether I would still be able to go, having all the dates and guidelines, when I need to test, and so on, but today, my mom tested positive (which is in perfect alignment with when I think was my first day sick).

Having this, and having that she does not understand what the symptoms could be and she does not understand what isolation means, I am afraid to leave.

Oh, well. I hope that things will not be that bad with her.