Hettie’s Reflections – Blog Posts

A Couple More Words About “The Last Green Valley”

I was full of emotions and in a hurry to press “publish,” but now I want to go back to that post.

After I published it, I received an email from a friend in which she related to me how difficult it was for her to accept the uncomfortable truth about the actions of the Soviet Army troops during the March to Berlin when she read this book. This was not the case for me: in recent years, I read enough fiction and documentary on that topic. However, the point of view of an ethnic German who hates Hitler and the Nazis but still joins their convoy to escape the worse evil was complete news, exposing many facts I was not aware of before.

The most interesting is that all these facts are just mentioned, they are not in the center of the story the author tells us. Instead, they are just the background for a truly amazing story of survival, but somehow, and possibly precisely because of that, they are even more convincing.

Another important thing that resonated with me was the evolution of people’s minds after the Germans were defeated. Whenever I think about what will come out of Russia as a result of the current war and what could be a “fix to the world.” Each time I discuss this topic with Boris, he points out that the German government after WWII was dissolved, and the country was functioning under the Allies’ supervision, and that’s what laid the foundation for the eradication of nazism. What I found interesting in this book was how people adapted their beliefs depending on which occupation zone they ended up in. Not everybody strived out of the Russia-occupied zone as Emil Martel did; many people opted to stay with the “known evil” and didn’t want to move to the West even later when they had safer opportunities.

Mom: Birthday And Medical

Today, my mom turned 89. Also, her follow-up visit happened to be today, just because it’s not easy to find evening appointments so that I won’t need to skip half of my workday. Since her doctor moved to a different office, the whole thing takes more than three hours, including my getting to Mom and getting back from her to my house.

I sent her a birthday email in the morning, saying what I knew would make her happy. I was not lying in this email. She, indeed, does an amazing job living on her own, with all the relativity of this “on her own” and “living independently.” Still, sometimes I forget how old she is – to be honest, we didn’t think she would live that long when she first came to the US.

When we visited the doctor today, she said she hopes to be in such great shape as my mom when she is eighty-nine ). She also asked my mom to tell her what she occupied herself with every day, and my mom gave her a complete list of her activities; she even spoke a little bit of English with the doctor. Speaking of which, they now have a new technology where they can call a translator from the doctor’s office, and not on the phone as it used to be but on a screen mounted on a rolling cart. It looks really cool: a doctor can take it from one room to another and have translators from twenty different languages available instantaneously. Unfortunately (although not surprisingly), my mom couldn’t hear what a translator was saying, so we had to call it off, and I carried out the translator’s duty.

So, the doctor believes my mom is doing great for her age, so I guess I need to accept the fact that what’s going on now is “great for her age.” I am not being sarcastic. I think that I should start to accept the process of my mom’s aging as a reality that nobody can avoid and not be frustrated with any particular incidents. We’ll see how long I will last with this resolution 🙂

Failure is a Privilege: TIME Magazine

And one more interesting article. I can relate to many of the mentioned situations, including the consequences of failure while being a minority.

Billie Jean King, winner of 39 Grand Slam Tennis titles, said, “Losing a tennis match isn’t failure, it’s research.” Thomas Edison said he hadn’t failed, but rather “found 10,000 ways that don’t work” in his quest to invent a working lightbulb. These game-changing pioneers can extol the benefits of failure all they want. But most of us find failure unpleasant. It helps, I believe, to realize that there is a “right kind of wrong”—a type of failure that brings valuable advances in science, as well as in everyday life. Called “intelligent failures,” these are the undesired results of thoughtful forays into new territory. Intelligent failures illuminate the pathway toward success.

Failure can also be a privilege. As journalist and University of Colorado professor Adam Bradley points out in a New York Times article, “One of the greatest underrecognized privileges of whiteness might be the license it gives some to fail without fear.” Bradley explains that being a member of a minority culture often means your failures, especially if they become public, are seen as representative of an entire group. Your individual failure reflects badly on everyone else like you. John Jennings, professor of media and culture studies at the University of California, Riverside, told Bradley, “I want to get to the point where Joe Schmo Black guy is just safe, can be ordinary—even mediocre.”

Stereotyping is a natural psychological process that causes people to generalize the actions of an individual to their group. This is especially true when a group is underrepresented in a given field or role. Thus, when a person of color fails in a consequential role, people tend to overgeneralize, seeing the failure as related to their race rather than to them as an individual. Intuitively aware of this, members of minority groups feel heightened pressure to succeed, so as to avoid triggering these biases—a pressure that ironically inhibits their ability to perform well.

In fact, that inventor and acoustician James West, whose intelligent failures resulted in more than 250 patents, including one for the electret microphone, was African American makes his success that much more noteworthy. He succeeded in his field despite the entrenched racism that had him being mistaken for a janitor while employed as a scientist at Bell Labs. Imagine the pressure he must have felt to avoid reducing the chances for others like him to follow in his footsteps at Bell Labs and other elite institutions.

Women, especially women in academic science, also lack the luxury of failing unobtrusively. We are at risk of feeling pressure to succeed at all times lest we spoil other women’s opportunities. Scientist Jennifer Heemstra endorses “a culture in science and academia where people can be open about their failures without consequences.” A realist, she adds, “I’ll say that our responsibility to share our failures is proportional to the amount of power we have in the academic system.” As a tenured professor with her own lab at Emory University, Heemstra is now quite open about her failures. But she wasn’t always that way. Her most painful failure—not being voted for tenure the first time around (at a previous university)—turned out to be a gift. The failure was an interruption, forcing reflection.

“[Failing a tenure vote] was definitely the most painful failure of my life, as I felt like I had let down my family and my research group members—basically all of the people I care most about,” explained Heemstra to information-technology researcher Veronika Cheplygina, who also studies failure. “But it can also be a beautifully humbling experience as well. Seeing how all of those people stood by me in the midst of the struggle ended up seismically shifting my worldview and priorities. It gave me a new view of what academia could be and a fire to make that into a reality.”

Note that Heemstra didn’t try to slough off or ignore what she calls “a truly horrible feeling.” She acknowledged and named her feeling and let herself feel bad for a time. This is in line with findings from a 2017 study led by psychologist and researcher Noelle Nelson that focusing on your emotions, rather than thinking about the failure (which tends to generate self-justification), helps people learn and improve. Eventually, Heemstra developed a keen interest in failure that led to research into understanding how undergraduates experience failure in STEM courses and how this affects their decision to continue science careers. She and others have designed an undergraduate research curriculum to engage students in hands-on laboratory learning and give them experience with the right kind of wrong that is so central to discovery.

Similarly, embracing failure is a mainstay in queer (LGBTQIA+) theory and politics. In his seminal book The Queer Art of Failure, transgender media theorist Jack Halberstam argues that the measure and meaning of success is not defined by the individual but rather comes from communities, and that the norms of “success” lead toward a “mindless conformity.” In contrast, embracing failure allows a “free space of reinvention” from which to critique assumptions imposed by the world. Halberstam is part of a group of queer thinkers who see the experience of failure to meet society’s expectations as foundational to queer culture. Mainstays of what it means to live a “successful” life, such as biological prosperity, financial security, health, and longevity, had long been denied to queer people by discriminatory adoption laws, biases in hiring, acts of violence and prejudice, and even the HIV/AIDS epidemic. In failing to live up to heteronormative expectations, queer people must find their own ways to “succeed,” and a core and now celebrated part of this success is the recognition of having first failed.

For instance, drag performance, as an art form, celebrates the experience of queer people welcoming a lack of conformity to society’s expectations. Through its exaggerated contrast, the show makes society’s default expectations more visible. It makes us aware of heteronormative culture as a lens through which we view the world—nudging us out of our default sense, as naïve realists, that we objectively see reality. In the competition reality-television show RuPaul’s Drag Race, a group of mostly male-identified contestants adopt characters who are pastiches of femininity in hyperbolic performances of models and pageant contestants. The show celebrates liberation from expectations on a prime-time stage. And it’s wildly popular. The premiere of its 13th season on January 1, 2021, was, at the time, the show’s most watched episode, garnering 1.3 million viewers via simulcast, a number comparable to the 1.32 million viewers who tuned in to an average NBA game during the 2020–21 season.

Cultivating psychological safety is not the same thing as cultivating belonging, and many have conflated the two in recent years. Here’s how I see it: Psychological safety, which means believing it’s safe to speak up, is enormously important for feeling a sense of belonging. But belonging is more personal, while psychological safety is more collective (it is conceptualized in research studies as an emergent property of a group) and, I think, it is co-created by individuals and the groups to which they wish to belong. The more I study the research on the psychology, sociology, and economics of inequality, the more massive the undertaking of correcting these societal failures feels. At the very least, as a society, we should aspire to creating a world where everyone has an equal license to fail intelligently. That is not the case today. But I believe that we’re ever so slightly closer to that aspiration than we were even just a few years ago. Recognizing our heteronormative, white lens through which we view the world is an important first step.

The Last Green Valley by Mark Sullivan

If you wonder when I have time to read with everything going on in my life, the answer is that about 70% is listening to audiobooks, and most times, I listen while doing something, whether it is exercising, cooking, folding the laundry, you name it.

The Last Green Valley took me a long time to read, and that was one of the rare occasions when I did a synced reading/listening. I finished it a couple of days ago, and I am still under a very deep impression.

This book is just brilliant! It’s really impressive that somebody who does not have ethnic roots in Ukraine could present this story of struggle and survival with such compassion and understanding. Not a single false note!

The book was one more eye-opener for me – I never viewed these historical events from the perspective of ethnic Germans trying to escape the advancement of the Red Army. Lots of details were completely unknown to me, yet I can see how they fold into the big picture. The whole story sounds completely unbelievable, and it comes as a surprise at the end when you learn that it was based on a true story of a real family. When I hear stories like this, I feel that my own life is completely dull and uneventful. I know I will be thinking about this story for a long time, and possibly I will write more about that book.

Where Zelensky Comes From: TIME Magazin

I really liked this most recent article about Volodymyr Zelensky by Simon Shuster – as usual, copying the text here:

Continue reading “Where Zelensky Comes From: TIME Magazin”

It’s Not Work But

The things which fill in all my time for the past couple of days are not work-related but still, very PostgreSQL-related.

The first thing is my talk. I accepted being on an official reserve list for the FOSDEM conference, which means that most likely I won’t deliver my talk; still, I need to be prepared. In order to avoid procrastination, I’ve assigned myself to be a speaker for the January Chicago PUG meetup so that I would have to prepare this talk by January 17. Since next weekend will be one more “girls’ weekend,” I have to complete it in the next couple of days. My initial plan was to be done over the weekend but almost five hours on the phone (with friends and with Boris) made it impossible, and it turned out that there was way more work anyway. So now, I am frantically trying to complete it, and hopefully, I will be done by Wednesday.

The second thing is the conference (PG Day Chicago). There is only one more week left for submissions, and although we have enough submissions, we do not have enough speakers. I spent more than two hours today emailing, composing tweets, and asking people directly on all possible media platforms. I just checked how many new presentations/speakers were submitted, and it looks like I made a material impact :). On the one hand, I am happy with that. On the other hand, it’s wrong that big events in Chicago are still driven almost exclusively by my charisma. In any case, that’s my primary focus until next Monday.  

Presents

I wanted to show some of my Christmas present which I got this year. Possibly the most interesting was a present from my Ukrainian friend:

It is super cool, and I already bragged to Anna and my neighbors about it:

Continue reading “Presents”

CSO For Kids And Other Activities

The CSO is doing a fantastic job with the concerts for the little kids: “Once Upon a Symphony” series. Today was the third time for Nadia and the second time for Kira, and the performance was based on Three Little Pigs (the Big Bad Wolf was a Building Inspector, so nobody was eaten :)). I think it’s really admirable how they can keep even very little kids engaged for forty minutes! This time, Anna was able to come (John drove), and we all enjoyed the performance.

The girls wanted to go back to my house, but today we had time for the concert only, they had to go back home right away, and I am also trying to finish ten different writing projects. Next weekend, however, will be all about family events: my Christmas presents for Anna and John and for Nadia. Also, we are going to celebrate my and my mom’s birthdays.

Tomorrow, my Christmas Tree will be removed, and last night and today, I spent a lot of time putting down all the decorations, taking down the ornaments from the tree, and packing everything into boxes. As I promised to Nadia and Kira, I brought them the gingerbread ornaments, which they ate surprisingly fast (I was sure that they were too hard to chew).

Now I can see that I have several “groups” of Christmas ornaments:

  • the very old ones, some older than me, some from my very early childhood
  • my ornaments from the 1970s
  • the ornaments we hand-made for our first US Christmas
  • the ones I bought on garage sales during the first two years in the US when we had very little money
  • gifts from friends
  • ornaments I brought from different places
  • some cool ornaments I purchased because I wanted them 🙂

And I am going to make sure that each Christmas, even if I do not have all of my ornaments on the tree, I have some form each group!

Just before I took the tree down

Gender Bias

There is one more episode that happened at PG Conf EU that I wanted to talk about. Several weeks before the conference, I received a dinner invite from the Swiss Postgres User Group for the third evening of the conference. Having my previous experience with that group, my original intention was to decline, but then I decided to give their organizer a third chance (he is a very nice person!) I accepted, and we went. 

The group was bigger than their largest table could accommodate, so the restaurant added a smaller table, and somehow, Boris and I decided that we would have a better conversation if we chose the seats at this smaller table, especially because the organizer sat there as well.

Well, we were wrong. It was the same story as in the summer of 2022, after which I decided to “never-ever.” Six people at the table; Boris and I are the only two who do not speak German, and the conversation keeps going in German with the occasional “attempts” to talk to us on the usual topic: “So you are Russian, and you drink vodka.” BTW, it started when a Romanian at our table asked for still water, and the waiter brought a pitcher “which looked like vodka,” according to other people at the table. After the second round, I asked to drop this conversation; however, it continued. Another attempt to include us in the conversation was, “So you are from Chicago. And you traveled that far?..

I silently lamented the wasted time and thought about leaving when, all of a sudden, the conversation changed. These two, who were speaking German all the time and asking me about vodka, suddenly started to talk about Postgres, asking me questions, taking notes, and saying that their DBAs should buy my book. 

On our way back to the hotel, Boris said he couldn’t understand why they suddenly started behaving “normally.” But I knew. It started after I saw them checking the conference schedule on their phones and asked them whether they decided where to go the next day. Apparently, until that moment, they thought that I was a plus one of Boris. And after I asked them which talks they liked and answered a professional question, they finally realized that talking to me may be helpful!

The moral of the story:

  1. That’s why we need “Barbie talks” at community conferences.
  2. “Never-ever”

Radical Clay Exhibit

My friend, who moved from Chicago to Boston last year, was in town last week, and we went to the Art Institute for the Thursday evening hours. We saw an exhibit I hadn’t seen yet – “Radical Clay,” which presented the works of Japanese contemporary female sculptors made of clay/porcelain. 

The exhibit is small, but all the artworks are extraordinary! Here are some pictures that I took and some from the official webpage. 

This one is called “Looking for a crush”
Continue reading “Radical Clay Exhibit”