Hettie’s Reflections – Blog Posts

The Last Time I Did Something Normal…

Last Monday, when Igor and I sat down at the Siskel Center after the Tarkovsky documentary with tea and my apple cake, I confessed that I felt hopelessly unprepared for retirement. That was the first day I was on call at my part-time job, and an incident happened, and I had to investigate. And here it was. Except for a couple of tech interviews, I haven’t had a chance to solve any puzzles in four weeks. And although it all happened at a very inconvenient time, I was so grateful for this opportunity to use my brain :). That was possibly the first time after my last day at my last job that I heard it loud and clear: I am not ready to retire yet. And not even ready for part-time only yet.

Igor replied that it was expected, and I asked a rhetorical question: why can’t I be like normal people? We both agreed that if I were a normal person, all our lives would be completely different, and it’s unlikely Vlad and Anna would have been born. As for Igor (it was his birthday, after all!), he definitely wouldn’t come to the US. And then, reflecting on these past forty-one years, I said: the last normal thing I did was give birth to you.

Thinking it over for the past week, I still maintain it is true. I often think about this whole process of me transforming from “one of many” to my present-day self. Yes, I was almost a straight-A student for years, although there was a period of lower grades in the middle of my college life, but there were many others, more talented, brighter. I was an active young pioneer and an active comsomol member, and at the same time, “just a little bit dissident-minded”, “for all good against all bad.” Just like almost everyone around me. And like “everyone,” I got married during my senior year in college and gave birth to my first child shortly after graduation. It was expected. Almost all girls timed it that way.

Everything else was a deviation :).

Mindfulness In Nature

I just realized I haven’t posted in several days. These days were packed with events, and I wrote at least ten blog posts in my mind :), so now I will try to bring them to life.

On Saturday, I participated in the outdoor meditation session “Mindfulness in Nature.” I’ve done it several times before, and I enjoy this activity. When I was going down the stairs on the way to our meeting place, I saw the most beautiful spider web with a perfect spider in the center:

It was an absolutely perfect autumn day, but it was also surprisingly “not yet an autumn day,” not only because it was warm, but also because all the trees were still green, and it didn’t smell like fall at all. On the way there, I thought that the best things in my life happened in fall, and that I always anticipated good things happening during this season. At the beginning of the session, when we were asked about our word for nature, I said: the gift.

We typically go on the same nature walk at each session, and I was surprised by how much our small nature area didn’t look like fall this time. All late summer flowers were still blooming, and there were tons of bees everywhere! It didn’t look like the world was ready to hybernate!

As always, I am sad that I am leaving an a couple of days and will miss the rest of it!

End Of Summer

For the whole second half of August, I dreaded coming to work. It was not like any specific individual I dreaded, but the whole situation. My work life was split into two uneven pieces. One was the good feeling of being helpful to the customers. This feeling also came with bitterness, because in most cases they only reached out when a crisis was imminent, and even then, I could rarely convince them to make substantial changes to their systems. Everyone would choose a band-aid instead of proper healing. But at least I could resolve major crises. Each time, customers would send me a Slack message: “Thank you, Hettie!” I would tell them, jokingly, but not really jokingly: Please review us on Google. I knew no one above me in the chain of command would ever see these “Thank you” messages.

And the rest of my work life was absolutely Kafkian. When you feel like everyone around you is going insane, it’s very difficult to keep believing in yourself and not question your own sanity. For all these last two weeks, when no one in my group talked to me, I had only one thought: I want to retire immediately. I can’t wait till I turn 65. I can’t be in the office anymore. I am not going to do Postgres anymore. I told one of my fellow escorts during a shift that if it wasn’t for health insurance, I would quit on the spot.

And then, suddenly, it was granted. In the most bizarre way possible, it was granted. I feel blessed Boris was there with me then, because I was going through an emotional storm. On the one hand, I got exactly what I was wishing for for several weeks. On the other hand, the brakes were hit too suddenly, and I came to a stop from running at 100 MPH, and I wasn’t the one driving. The real blessing was that we got more time together than we planned, and it happened at the best possible time of the year – at the end of summer. We were able to go on more long bike rides together than we ever could. I went to the beach every day (less hopelessly rainy days). I was thankful for the place I live more than ever before, if that is possible. In a week, I achieved my long-time goal of getting 6 hours of sleep (although now I think that 5.5 is still what I need most nights).

Overall, it was a gift, but the fact that I didn’t have time to fully plan the exit presented several challenges – more on that coming soon!

Tomatoburger

I haven’t made it in a very long time, and really enjoyed it! I especially like this version, when one of the tomatoes was almost black:)

Movies At The Obama Center

I can’t believe I was at the Obama Center yesterday!!! Still can’t believe it! I got a free ticket for the shorts from the Black Harvest Film Festival as a member of the Gene Siskel Center, and I could make it, and it was amazing! The films, the people, and the smell of a new facility :). And the night view! And friendly staff! And just everything!

Biking In The Morning Fog

Watching ‘One Day In The Life Of Andrei Arsenevich”

Yesterday was Igor’s birthday, and we went together to watch One Day in the Life of Andrei Arsenevich, Chris Marker’s documentary about the last days of Andrei Tarkovsky, whose full retrospective ran through September at the Siskel Center.

I really-really liked it. I find it difficult to say “I enjoyed it,” because it shows the last days of a terminally ill person, but it is really remarkable how positive Tarkovsky looks and sounds even when he can hardly lift his head off the pillows. The documentary included footage of him filming his last picture, The Sacrifice, and this scene alone told me more about him as an artist and as a person than I ever knew.

The documentary cites Pasternak, who apparently told Tarkovsky early in his career that he would make seven films. “Only seven?” asked Tarkovsky. “Yes, but the good ones!” replied Pasternak. And that’s exactly how many films he made, not counting his school works. Also, it mentions Tarkovsky’s fascination with Leonardo Da Vinci (which I share), and I thought that that’s something they had in common: Leonardo produced very few paintings during his long life, but each is a masterpiece. Isn’t it true about Tarkovsky’s films?!

Mom’s Updates

At the beginning of September, I made another attempt to file for my mom’s SSI. Last time, we were told we could try again in July 2026, but July and August were two super-stressful months, plus my mom’s internet saga, plus fixing here access to the Social Security portal.

Finally, we scheduled the phone appointment, and miraculously, the same inspector who was handling our case two years ago was assigned to us again. I almost cried when I heard her name! Because she was already completely aware of our situation, everything went fast and smoothly, and a week later, my mom was granted SSI. Less than I hoped, but still something. Her housing situation didn’t improve; I tried writing to our Alderwoman, but they told me they can’t help. I am going to file for cash assistance from the State (we couldn’t do this until we had a decision on her SSI).

My mom didn’t understand what had happened and kept asking whether it meant that they would take her “food card” away, so I assured her that it was in addition, not instead, but I do not think she believed me. Her first payment should come on September 30, and I hope that all will be well!

Morning Biking

You never know how long you will be able to keep biking in the morning, but so far – let each of these mornings be blessed!

Here, a rising sun reflects in the building’s class windows on Lakeshore Drive, while the (almost) full moon is still visible. The sun is rising behind me.

Shostakovich’s Fourth

On Thursday, my neighbor and I went to our first CSO concert of the season. Klaus Makela, still a Director-designee, opened it with Sibelius’s 7th and Shostakovich’s 4th. Hearing Shostakovich’s 4th for the first time in my life and being completely unprepared for what I was about to listen to was so shocking that, several days later, I am still processing what I heard.

I didn’t know the story about this symphony, how it was created, and how the premiere was withdrawn (surprisingly so, because I heard so many details about Shostakovich’s reaction to the infamous Pravda editorial), and now I am trying to place in time his phone conversation with Stalin relative to writing and rehearsing of the 4th Symphony.

According to my grandmother, Stalin told him: “You should compose marches, young man, do you hear me? Marches! Our people want to march, and they have to music to march to!” (For the sake of my Russian -speaking friends, the exact wording was: “Марши надо писать, молодой человек, марши! Народ хочет маршировать, а не подо что!”

You can read the story of the 4th Symphony withdrawal, the hiding of the manuscript, and the first performance in Moscow in 1961. What I am wondering is how in the world Shostakovich could think that it would be possible to perform it?! After the above-mentioned article in Pravda. How?! I talked to Boris about it, and he said: and how could the rest of his music be performed? But I still think that the 4th Symphony is something incomparable with any other of Shostakovich’s works. So bold. So powerful. So full of grotesque and bitter irony.

I am now listening to the recording, trying to capture all of the details of Part III, because I definitely missed a lot during the concert, completely taken away by evolving havoc :).