Category: reflections

27

That is another post that I should have written a week ago, and I pretty much wrote it in my head, but that was the day we traveled to Milwaukee, and then life took over.

October 22, 1996, was the day when I (together with Vlad and Anna) came to the US, and our very first day in the US is described here. Last week, Boris and I recalled this day twenty-seven years ago, and I asked him whether he really thought at that time that his life was over. He said that that was the case, which made me wonder for the hundredth time why we were such idiots. Boris disagrees :). He says that we were just uninformed. Possibly, but each time I think about what lies ahead, and each time I think that I’ve planned everything perfectly, I recall how, in the fall of 1996, both Boris and I were so sure that everything important in our lives had happened…

What People Do When They Retire

While waiting for a morning train, I overheard the conversation on the platform. The conversation was about when each person planned to retire, whether they wanted to retire at all, and what they would do when they retired. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, I was surprised that people who participated in the conversation talked only about leisure, whether they will do cruises, golfing, or something else, and how the years of retirement should be the years of having fun.

Then, one of them commented on someone he knew who “didn’t want to retire because he would have to spend all the time with his wife at home.”

I can relate to that:). With all my love and everything, you need to be out of the house doing something else for a good part of the day. And you need to do something. I am sure I will have lots of fun traveling, doing cultural things, and such, but I am also anticipating all the possibilities of doing more volunteering, such as escorting on the weekdays and going to ODS at least once a week. Too often, I feel like I can’t drop any activity I am participating in (or want to participate in), and then I am not doing any of them well enough. So, I often think that I should limit the things I do even more and then return to them when I retire. 

Possibly the reason others don’t believe me when I say that I will retire at 67 is that they can’t imagine me not doing something. But I have plans!

***

Last week, Boris was in Barcelona for his conference, and sure, there were many conversations about the war, about Russia, the world, aid for Ukraine, and all related. Since this conference was very European and initially Eastern European, the conversations were deep and serious, not like the casual conversation with “preset” opinions we (unfortunately) often have here in the US.

One thing that surprised me was that people asked him, “Why does Putin keep fighting despite massive manpower losses?” Naturally, Boris answered, “Because, at least for the past thousand years, Russia never counted men’s losses when fighting.” I was still surprised that those who asked didn’t know the answer as if Russia ever gave any reason to doubt it. Still, they asked why people in Russia do not protest when the losses are so massive and why they don’t protest in general.

Again, I could at least partially understand such questions at the beginning of the war, but I am surprised people are still asking them.

Also, when replying to somebody about a “peaceful solution,” Boris cited our friend with whom we had this discussion in Berlin last fall: If not for Ukraine, Russian tanks would already be in Berlin. Not in Estonia. In Berlin.

The positive thing is that in Europe, the war didn’t move to the background…

And While I Am On That Topic…

I recently read Steven King’s 11-22-63. Steven King is not “my” author (and not out of any snobbishness, just not mine). I took on this reading because it was recommended by a friend whom I usually trust in book recommendations. While it’s still not “my” book and not a book “about me,” I really liked it and enjoyed reading from the very first to the very last page.

Firstly, I really enjoyed it as an excellent piece of literature ( And now, I won’t be able to read ok-ish books for a while :)) Second, (and that’s why I decided to write about it today) – I find the whole sci-fi part of it very realistic. The theme of “the past does not want to be changed” resonates with me on many levels.

Never in my life have I wished that “something didn’t happen” or “if only I could go back and correct something.” I know that everything that happened before today made me the person I am now, and it is often impossible to tell what won’t happen if I do things “properly” at some point in my life. I am so sure that correcting the past can’t work that I never had even a temptation to think about it.

On the other hand, as much as I am always in control of my life and know that things won’t happen by themselves if I don’t make them happen, I also recognize when the Universe does not want something to happen.  

My London trip cancellation was a perfect example. I didn’t have COVID before, even when I was in the presence of clearly infected people, so having it from an unknown source right before my trip was a sign :). And then, when I started to calculate the dates and try to figure out whether I could still make it, came a loud and clear “no.” As much as I dreaded clicking the “Cancel the Entire Trip” button, that’s what it meant to be. 

Twenty-Eight Years Ago, I Think

There is no specific reason to make this random photo a birthday photo. I just thought that I needed to post something different from my usual two tiny babies and me. At least, I think Anna can relate :).

Happy birthday, my extraordinary twins!

***

I used to think that Boris was not involved enough in Vlad’s and Anna’s early years, and it might be objectively so, but he often remembers things that I had forgotten.

Last week, he asked me whether I remember Vlad’s “very important question.” He said that Vlad was about eight or nine years old then, but I still can’t recall the episode. Maybe it was during the summer of 2000 when I started my consulting job, and Boris was without any job and didn’t move to Finland yet, and babysat Vlad and Anna.

According to Boris, Vlad walked into the room and announced that he had a very important question, and his whole future depended on the answer. He knew that “grown-ups don’t play with toys,” and he worried what would happen if he still loved playing with his toys when he grew up :).

***

Happy birthday 🙂

The War And The Media

Over the weekend, I had a conversation with a person who is not only very intelligent and hold very progressive views but is also not ignorant of what’s happening in Europe—someone who knows that there is the rest of the world outside of the US.

Still, my account of how the war is unfolding and what is really going on at the front appeared to be a revelation. She asked me whether I think the American media does a good job reporting about the war, and I said – no, gave multiple particular examples, and spoke about the trend in general. The war disappeared from the front pages, and even during the latest mutiny, the interest was directed toward Russia, not Ukraine. And I cited my friend, who said that no photographs and no reports could capture the horrors of destruction.

She listened to me with great attention and said: we live in a bubble that the media created. And we do not even know we live in a bubble.

I blogged about it so many times that I lost count. People do not understand the gravity of the situation; they push away the fact that the war didn’t stop, that people keep dying – every day.
And they keep explaining to me why NATO will never get directly involved, and I, in turn, keep explaining the consequences of that and the inevitability of confrontation with Russia, if not now, then in the future. And all of this feels hopeless.

In The Courthouse

More about the oath ceremony. It turned out I completely forgot what my oath ceremony looked like. I found my notes from 2008, and I realized that to the smallest detail, including the super-long wait, it was exactly like it was with my mom. Also, back then, I had mixed feelings about this second citizenship.

It’s funny how the human brain works. I remember that after the initial shock from coming to live in a completely new country which was nothing like other places I had visited before had passed, I liked it being here. When I figured out how to perform the daily tasks, and it stopped being a “coming home with a newborn” struggle, I instantly felt at home. However, at the same time, I also felt uneasy about “denouncing previous allegiances” and referred to my new status as “a marriage of convenience.”

My “growing into” American citizenship was a long process, and now when I read my notes from that time, it surprises me how selective our brains are.

Back to yesterday’s ceremony. In the notice that was sent to my mom, the ceremony start time was indicated as 12-30 PM, and I planned to be there with mom by 12-15. Anna took an earlier train to be there for sure, not the last minute, and we met my mom at Lake Red Line CTA and walked to the Federal Court.

There was already a long line on the 25th floor, and when we reached the beginning of the line, a lady told us that Anna and I should leave and come back at 1 PM. It was all very confusing because it sounded like we couldn’t be present during the ceremony, but as we found out when we came back, the actual ceremony was going to be at 1:30 PM. That meant that Anna had to sprint to the Union Station immediately after the oath.

All the rest went well. The judge who was conducting the ceremony said that ninety-six people from thirty-six countries were becoming US citizens on that day. He said that each person brings their own culture and experience and that that’s the nature of the country, and that fact that his ancestors came to America in the 17th century does not make his citizenship any “better” than other people’s citizenships. I think I was giving more thought to this ceremony yesterday than I did during my oath ceremony.

As I already mentioned, fifteen years ago, I didn’t like the idea of exclusiveness, of demands to denounce all my previous allegiances. To be honest, I do not know how I would feel about it now if the country where I was born wouldn’t expose the worst of herself. I do not know how Ukrainians who took the oath on the same day felt (I know there were some), especially because, as far as I know, Ukraine does not allow dual citizenship.

Mom received her certificate. Anna had to run to get back home (and hit all possible public transportation disasters on the way). Igor could not come because, somehow, he managed to get COVID over the weekend. So it was just my mom and me, and while we were inside, another spell of pouring rain started. Fortunately, it didn’t last long, and when it slowed down, we walked to Amarino and had coffee and ice cream there. The rain started again, a stopped again, and again we had just enough time to walk to the nearest Red Line station.

Mom was very happy, and she thanked me multiple times for making this happen.

…. only when we got on the train I realized that I had left my jacket at the Courthouse (I thought that it might be too air-conditioned, and took a black jacket with me, but it was not cold, and…) I decided that it’s a good opportunity to shop for a new one 🙂

June Books

The Confidant – a book about Anna Marie Rosenberg. Amazing woman and an amazing book; how could I never hear about her?! I loved this review of this book on Goodreads, so I am copying it here instead of writing my own 🙂

Early 20th Century America was a place of change and opportunity. Within the first 50 years, US citizens were a party of industrialisation, the depression, two world wars, and the cold war. What is not so well known is the part Anna Rosenberg, a Jewish-Hungarian immigrant, facilitated and negotiated to help shape the America we know today.

Anna Rosenberg, a 5’3″ pocket rocket, with little more than a high school education, rose to the inner sanctum of the White House during these pivotal years, ‘You don’t have to be like a man to succeed. If you know your stuff, you’ll be alright.’ Anna began as a negotiator between the fast-forming unions of the early 20th Century and capitalist corporates. Her unique sense of mediation, so that both sides could win, as opposed to brute force, won all-around trust. This skill base was leveraged to bring about the greatest mobilisation of troops and factory workers when the US entered WW II – including the negotiation to desegregate and include African Americans. She further pushed for the use of women in the war effort, ‘The morale of the nation depends upon its women.’ Despite being the first person to be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, her credibility was attacked during McCarthyism. Still, throughout this ordeal, she held her head high and stayed true.

‘The Confidante’ not only details the life of this amazing woman. it also offers a robust summary of these transformational years in American history. It is astounding just how pivotal Anna Rosenberg, who is so little recognised today, was. Often stories of inspiring, historical women figures, are about the struggle they suffered in breaking into a ‘man’s world’. Anna’s story is different. Anna only saw advantages to being a woman within her place of work, ‘Men will talk more freely to a woman than to another man, and when men talk freely nine times out of ten misunderstandings vanish’. She ultimately just wanted to be herself and if that meant she could make a difference, then she worked hard at doing so.

Christopher Gorham has done a fantastic job delivering a short history of American politics in the early 20th Century and Anna Rosenberg’s pivotal, and unbelievably integral role within this. ‘The Confidnate’ is both an inspiring and illuminating book, well worth a read for so many reasons.

Moscow Excursion by P.Travers

I have mixed feelings about that book. On the one hand, it seems shallow, like “Look how weird these people are,” without any interest in finding what’s behind that behavior. Sometimes it feels like Travers purposefully wants to mount all this weirdness, making it Kafkian (although it is possible that she didn’t even have to overexaggerate that much.) On the other hand, possibly as a result of that sliding on the surface, she noticed things that were rarely noticed by foreign visitors.
Many details are painfully recognizable to me from my short encounter with the Intourst business, like trying to get out of the way to provide better food for foreigners only to still have it miserable, the lectures about economic achievements, the very bad English of the tour guides, “let’s go” and making sure the tourists are never left unattended. Overall – interesting. I learned something new :). And probably, I shouldn’t have expected an analytical essay. After all, these texts were originally produced as letters to a friend, talking about these “on the surface” impressions.

Without Children

Read it because the author was featured on WBEZ Reset. I think that the topic of normalizing women not having children is one worth discussing. For me, it is obvious that every woman has a right not to want children for whatever reason. It does not matter whether she has a medical condition or she is in a tough financial situation, or she simply does not want children. That’s her right. And I feel annoyed with all these discussions about what economic stimulus should be introduced to convince women to have more babies.

At first, the book sounded promising since it was discussing just that: leave women alone! But then it diverted to “many women take part in raising a child, not only her biological mother,” and went to the point that each woman should contribute to society by helping to raise babies.

***

When the mutiny in Russia started, I had some hopes. The hopes were that they would be busy killing each other or at least weakening each other, and meanwhile, Ukraine would be able to advance more. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen, meaning they didn’t destroy each other, at least at first glance.

Boris said that at least Ukraine will return to the front pages of the news. To our deepest regrets, it didn’t happen either. Instead, Russia returned to the front pages. I listen to what Biden had said about not interfering, and I understand, but…

***

I will post more pictures from the wedding. I am very-very-very tired, both emotionally and physically. And I am very happy for Vlad and Dylon.

The wedding was all about them, which is how it should be, but I was standing there in the crowd and recalling many past moments, starting from the image of this tiny thin baby body with match-like limbs. I with two five-year-olds, exiting the Immigration Office at ORD on October 23, 1996. Our endless conversations, and our conversation “about that.” And Vlad crying on my shoulder on the corner of State and Washington in broad daylight.

And when we returned home, I asked Boris (rhetorically, of course): how could it happen that we did everything wrong, and it turned out so perfect?! It’s scary even to think about how horrible things could turn if I won’t go to the US, fearless out of shire ignorance, having no idea what I am doing. All my decisions I was most criticized for, but especially these two: that I decided to have babies in the most inconvenient moment of my life, the life of my country and history in general, and that I decided to go to America and take my kids with me.

Not calculated, not thought-through, and completely irresponsible…