Category: reflections

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Yesterday, I was busy finishing baking cookies, packing, and preparing them for shipping. I was very cold, but sunny, and I felt happy staying inside in my beautifully decorated home, surrounded by the smells of baked cookies. I was thinking that overall life is good, and my crazy time at work is about to be over, and how lucky and fortunate I am.

Then I saw a message onmy phone. It was from onw of our condominium board members, and he asked me to call him back.

When I dialed, he said: I have some sad news for you. Then he told me, that one of our neigbors – an absolutely lovely couple in their 40s with no kids and two beautiful dogs were in the car crash. The husband passed away and the wife was in critical condition in the hospital.

And that was it.

I still can’t process these news. Can’t conprehend them. We were not close friends, but we saw each other several times a week, and their “Hi Hettie” was one of these things which are “always here,” and make our community the way it is.

Thankful

I think it was the first time ever that I started my giving thanks with thanks to the US political system, specifically for federalism. Only because of that, plus our still independent Judicial system, that the Illinois government can still protect their citizen and resist the most outrageous thins that come from federal government. I am immensely proud of our state, our governor and our judges, and thankful to them!

I am thankful that I have a job which is, though intense and plainly hard as no other job I had before, makes it possible for me to earn enough money to do good to many people and support the causes that are important to me.

I am thankful to Boris who emotionally supported me through this tuff year more that ever; I am thankful that we still keep the flame of our love for so many years and do not see it fading:).

Thankful that all my children are the amazing individuals they are.

Thankful for my home, my neighborhood, and my city. I am as much at home here as i ever been in my life.

Nova Exhibition

The Nova world-traveling exhibition is now in Chicago, and I visited in on Tuesday.

It was the first time when I understood the timeline of the October 6 events, and saw the footage filmed by the hostages and those who managed to escape. Although the exhibit is put together exceptionally well, and leave a deep emotional impression, I left it with mixed feelings.

I didn’t post anything about this visit for several days, hoping to figure out what didn’t feel right, but still can’t pinpoint it. I hate to sound critical of the exhibit organizers, because they’ve done tremendous work, but I also can’t brush off the unease I felt afterward. Most likely, it was related to the testimonies at the end. It was actually a one testimony of a survivor, and I honestly think it was too much both for him and people listening. Or maybe not.

I might still figure it our later.

29

Being at the conference, I completely forgot to commemorate the day I came to the US for the first time twenty-nine years ago.

Flying to America for the First Time

And my actual first day:

Our First Day In The USA

What Defines Me (And What Doesn’t)

Yesterday, I chatted with My Favorite Coworker, with whom we didn’t have a chance to chat for a while. Among other things, we talked about my big goals in life, what I want to accomplish before retirement, and what my current priorities are. At the end of this conversation, he said: And you know, at some point, you will have grandchildren, and your priorities might change.

I stared at him: I do have grandchildren! I have two granddaughters, ages five and eight, how come you do not know?! And yes, I take them for bike rides, and museums, and places, and I love them dearly, but they do not define my life.

As I said that was almost the end of our conversation, and we started walking to our respective desks. I repeated again: I can’t believe, you didn’t know I am a grandma! How could that happen? And he said: perhaps, because you do not look like grandma! I replied: I am a cool grandma!

I love being a grandma, and really love my girls, and I love doing things together with them, but being a grandma is not what defines me.

And speaking about that, I appreciate immensely my fellow escorts from the Tuesday early morning shift, with whom we chatted about where we travel, and what jobs do we do, and about our families, and neither of them asked me where is my accent from. Huge thanks for that 🙂

Mindfullness

On Saturday, I participated in the program, which was called “Mindfulness in Nature at Leone Beach. The person who led this program was guiding us through the process. We stayed on the lake shore, looking forward at the lake, then looking up close. Then we closed our eyes, listened, and were instructed to think about an experience when we felt “at home” in nature.

There were several other activities, and also, what we thought about, what each of us heard and saw, and which memories came to mind.

At the very end of the program, the Mindfulness Teacher asked each of us to say one or two words that would summarize our feelings of that day. Almost everyone said something about “the end,” meaning that fall is associated with the end of life. And I said: a new beginning.

And it’s not only because fall in nature is strongly associated with mushroom picking, and later with harvesting the wild flowers’ seeds, and then sowing in new places. There is something more fundamental: fall was always a new beginning for me. Everything good started in the fall.

To start, all of my relationships started in the fall, and although not all of my dates were great, it was always the beginning of a new and exciting chapter. My children were born in the fall (well, Vlad and Anna were supposed to :)), and it was in October that I came to the US. And even though I met Boris in the spring, our relationship started at the end of September.

So, that’s for October! My luckiest month ever!

Meeting With Friends

During the past week, I had chances to catch up with three friends with whom I hadn’t met in person for several months. And, to a different degree, I can say the same thing about each of these meetings: the changes that started to happen in me and with me during the past year, and especially during the past six months, are more significant than any changes ever happened in my life.

I started to notice it in late spring: for years, there were friends with whom I could always “start from the place we left last time,” as if we didn’t speak for months and years, and it’s not the case anymore. If people follow me on social media, they at least have some ideas about how my life changed, and how my priorities changed. But otherwise, I do not know how to start a conversation.

When we met with my friend Maryann who knows me almost since the time I came to the US, she asked: so, what’s new with you? What happened since we last talked in spring? I took a deep breath and replied: tell me what’s new with you first!

I do not know where to start, how to say that yes, there is work, and there is family, all generations of it, and travels, but that’s not the most important part of my life. It’s especially difficult, because the things I am doing belong to a very narrow professional niche, and you can’t quickly explain “what is Postgres.”🤷🏻‍♀️

A New Life Formular

I’ve changed the way I speak about time and the lack of it. For the longest time, I used to say: “God does not give me more than 24 hours a day, even though I absolutely deserve at least 30!!!” On Friday, when I was talking to one of my fellow escorts, I came up with the follow-up: “However, God does give me 24 hours, and I am determined to use every minute of it!”

The early morning Friday shift was unusually intense; five antis were out, and there were just three of us, so we didn’t have enough bodies to escort patients and shield them. And that was the first time I was the shift lead (why am I taking on more responsibilities – don’t ask!). But while there is a need in the morning shifts, and while it’s warm enough for me to survive these morning shifts, I will be there. That’s one of the meaningful ways to use these minutes :).

And summer in Chicago continues! It was the upper 80s today! I was finally able to meet with my friend Y; we had been trying to meet since June, and had to cancel for either her or my reasons. I was sad that she didn’t have a chance to visit me in the summer, but we got a summer day in October! We went to the beach, and sat there in the lounge chairs, and I swam in the lake (she didn’t). This time, it almost didn’t happen again because she was afraid to be out while the ICE agents were terrorising the city, but then she decided she would make it, and I am glad she did.

I do not know a single person who would be happy with what’s going on in the city these days. My hairstylist came to do my hair on Friday, and with all her being “neutral” and “not wanting to talk about politics,” she couldn’t keep it to herself.

And on the ICE/Trump topic, there was another shooting, although this time not lethal, and also, Trump quietly deployed 300 National Guards, and now the whole city is mad that police is not protecting the citizen from ICE, and they also mad at the Governor, although it’s hard to tell what he could do in the current situation (except for there are multiple lawsuits filed). Also, he froze the Red Line extension money, but to be honest, I had no doubts it would happen.

Keeping fighting, and keeping doing good whenever I can.

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My mom’s caregiver and her husband are Ukrainian refugees. They ended up in Chicago because their son and his family had been living here for a long time before. They just never thought they would move here themselves, and probably wouldn’t for many years if it hadn’t been a war.

However, before they moved to the US, they spent several months (almost a year) in Tampere. I recall how I felt when I first came to Finland after the war had started. The war was in the air; the posters calling to donate to the Ukrainian refugees-supporting funds were all over the place, and half of the conversations I overheard on the public transportation were about refugees.

Remembering all that, I can understand why my mom’s caregiver is so thankful to the family that hosted them in Finland. Since the first time they learned that my husband lives in Finland and I go there often, they have wanted me to meet their former host family, and this time it finally worked, since I was going to Tampere!

When the husband visited me before my departure to drop off the gifts, he asked me whether I could do him a favor and ask these people whether they are scared about possible Russian attacks (in light of recent events). I told him that I believed Finland had been “always ready” since 1918, but promised to ask.

So when we met, I asked. They told me that many people in Finland were very much afraid, to the point that some people they knew couldn’t fall asleep without sedatives, but they were fine because they were sure everything was in God’s hands. They told me that they even started building a new house, which should have proved that they indeed believed they would be fine. And yes, they confirmed, it was always like this since 1918, “we just do not talk about it.”

I have nothing to add to this conversation. I believe in Finland, in her people and her Armed Forces, but why in the world does it have to be “always ready”?

RIFENSTAHL

I just exited the Siskel Center after watching “RIFENSTAHL.” I missed the first screening (with director-in-person) last week, because I hosted the Prairie Postgres User Group at the same time. Today was my only chance to see it, because I am leaving tomorrow and the last screening will be on September 26, before I return. Well, there will be more screenings later, but I will be travelling again, and also – I didn’t want to wait!

I just saw the movie. For the past several months, I was reading my friend’s blog about Riefenstahl’s memoirs, and I wanted to know more, so I queued a couple of books about her in my future reading list. But let me tell you that: it’s one thing to read what she says about herself, and a different thing to hear it, in her own words, with her facial expressions, with her intonations. To see the immense pleasure on her face when she watched the “Triumph of the Will,” conducting the screen music.

Starting with her cynical phrase: The movie was commissioned by Hitler. If Roosevelt were to commission a movie, I would also try my best. If Stalin were to ask me to make a movie for him, I would do my best as well. And all her screams: no, it’s a lie! What people disappear?! There were no such people around me! We didn’t know! No, I didn’t see! And: I would never make a movie about cripples! And isn’t it in all cultures that we admire beautiful bodies?

Oh, and there is footage of how she was making these pictures of Nuba! How she treated them like animals. I will never buy her albums.

Evil, evil, evil. No shades. No “buts”.