Author: Hettie D.

My name is Henrietta (Hettie) Dombrovskaya. I was born in Saint-Petersburg, Russian (actually, back then – Leningrad, USSR) in 1963, and immigrated to the United States in 1996. I love Saint Petersburg, the city I was born and raised in, and I think it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world. Similarly (but differently) I love Chicago, and can’t imagine myself moving somewhere else in the observable future. I have three children, Igor, Vlad and Anna, all adults living on their own, and one (so far) granddaughter Nadia. I also believe that my children are the best thing that happened in my life. As for my professional life, I am working in the field of Information Technologies. When I was twenty, I’ve declared that the databases are the coolest thing invented and that I want to do them for the rest of my life. Thirty plus years later, I still believe it’s true, and still, believe that the databases are the best. These two statements together imply that I think a person can have it all, and indeed, I think so! Keep reading my journals to find out how I did it.

Mom’s Updates

It has been a week since I posted the last update about my mom. In short, things are fine, although there are still many unknowns.

A PT is coming once a week (the original order was twice a week, but Medicaid only covers one). Mom is doing the exercises twice a day and is making good progress. She is still not allowed to go outside on her own, but a PT said that he hopes to get her to the level when she will be able to walk without a walker and without a cane, but it will take weeks. I hired a person to walk with her for an hour once a day, and she was fine with it for the first two days. On Sunday, she made a scene accusing me of “making decisions for her without consulting her,” and we had a pretty ugly conversation. She refused to recall that I asked her first and that she agreed

A Russian-speaking nurse will be coming once a week.We had a first visit with her on Monday, and she ordered a new blood pressure monitor and a wearable so that mom could push a button if she falls.

Also, the nurse said that she would put a request for home help, and that’s where my mom exploded again. We had another ugly conversation, and finally, I figured out what it was about. For some reason, my mom got into her head this idea that “I want to send her to a senior home” (she even thought about it when I was trying to sign her up for subsidized housing). So now it’s a new development: she got an idea that when I offer to hire help or when I want to request a social worker for her, I am doing it to collect the evidence that she can’t live on her own and should be placed into a senior home, so pretty much the opposite of what we are trying to do.

The more I think about it, the more it feels like that cynical approach to life that I talked about in one of my recent posts. She has a deep belief that “everyone is evil,” and everyone thinks only about their own well-being, not their neighbor. It’s extremely unsettling (I do not know how she can say that “she respects me” and “I am the best daughter ever.”

I still have no idea how to provide coverage for the time I will be away, not even in terms of finding additional help but in terms of convincing her to accept that help. I think that at some point I will have to let it go as PT doctors at the hospital told me.

Rigoletto

On Tuesday, my neighbor and I went to our second opera of that season: Verdi’s Rigoletto. In contrast to Fidelio, it was a very traditional production, and it was astonishing.

I saw Rigoletto multiple times back in Russia, but like with many operas that I thought I knew, it turned out that we had a severely reduced version of it. My first eye-opener was Carmen, and Boris told me that he had a similar revelation with Faust, and now Rigoletto.

Beautiful. More tragic than I ever thought.

Summer Never Ends!

Twice, I washed my swimsuit and beach towel “for a season,” and twice, I stashed them away “until next summer.” And on Monday, I took them out for the third time :).

I was in the office for half the day and then rushed to my mom’s house to meet with the nurse. After the nurse’s visit, I had a long and not very productive conversation with my mom, and it was still relatively early when I left there house.

While I was walking back along the beach, I realized that it was still warm, and even with the shorter days, it was still enough time! I rushed home, pulled my neatly folded beach towel from the top shelf along with my just-washed swimsuit, pulled a pair of shorts from the bottom of the summer clothes box, and quickly walked back to the beach!

It was warm! And the water was warm! There were some people sitting on the sand, but nobody in the water. I don’t know why – the water was warm, and there were no lifeguards, and oh my, how perfect it was to be there at that very moment!

Thank you, Lake Michigan!

The Harm Of Cynicism

I didn’t want to add anything to the previous post because I felt it was important on its own. But there is one more thing I wanted to add. I think that cynucisn, he belief that people in general are greedy, dishonest, and untrustworthy, was (and still is) deeply engraved in Russian society, and in the heart and soul of every Russian. That’s where this belief of “stupid Americans” is coming from. And that’s why people are so unhappy, and do not believe that something good is possible. And don’t make any strides for change.

And that’s why I was the only smiling mother on the pictures which Igor’s classmates drew in his preschool for the Women’t Day.

And that’s why I felt immediately at home when I came to the US, despite of all financial hardships.

And that’s why I am so furious about PostgresPro. .

Hidden Brain: Cynicism and Scepticism

You 2.0: Fighting Despair

This Hidden Brain episode is called “Fighting Despair,” but I became really focused when it came to the second part: the cynicism and the skepticism as an alternative. Before I heard this episode, I never thought about a formal definition of these concepts. Here is how the psychologist Jamil Zaki defines them:

Continue reading “Hidden Brain: Cynicism and Scepticism” →

Watermelons

That’s a historical post about something you can easily forget. I remembered it when I was thinking about the day Igor was born and the days before that.

In the Soviet Union, at least in the northern part of it, the beginning of September meant not only the start of school but also the start of the watermelon season. My granddaughters might not believe it, but watermelons were not sold in the stores. It was a seasonal fruit that would arrive at the end of August/beginning of September. Watermelons were sold at the temporary locations (same as New Year trees). The trucks unloaded watermelons in the cages, and then the shoppers were allowed to walk around and select a watermelon. There was no guarantee that a watermelon would be ripe; nobody checked whether they were ready for harvesting if the timing was right. There was always a risk of getting a watermelon, which was almost white inside.

And there were lines! Watermelon lines of shoppers waiting for their turn to enter the point of sale and start hunting for a perfect watermelon. In September 1985, Igor’s dad spent a lot of time in these watermelon lines. I remember that he even wrote a poem about “waiting in a watermelon line forever.”

I have no logical (or any other) explanation for why watermelons were “deficit.” They were not imported; they were grown in the southern parts of Russia and Ukraine. But still, when I think about the time Igor was born, it comes to mind: “I am standing in the watermelon line. Forever.”

My historical posts are being published in random order. Please refer to the page Hettie’s timeline to find where exactly each post belongs and what was before and after.

I am a Professional!

The very last piece from my September trip. We walked around like complete tourists in Amsterdam and walked into this very touristy cheese shop, where literally everyone shops. We walked around the shop; I knew I wouldn’t be able to take anything with me, and I wouldn’t need any cheese before Thanksgiving, but Boris wanted to take something along. he liked one of the cheeses we had at the breakfast buffet in Jakarta, but we had no idea how it was called. So when the store associate asked us whether we needed any help, I first replied: thanks, we are just thinking, but then I decided to ask her. Boris started to describe the texture of the cheese he liked “as if it was dry, but not really dry,” and she immediately said: try this one on the opposite side – that should be the one.

We took the samples, and it was indeed the one. We thanked the associate, and she proudly said: I am a professional!

Then I decided to buy a set of cheese knives and forks (I thought I would bring it to Vlad and Dylon – I couldn’t possibly know this trip wouldn’t happen!). So I chose the set, and we started to check out when the same associate said: you know, they won’t allow this knife in the carry-on! The other two pieces are fine, but because of this third one you will have to check it in. Since I had a second flight the same day and didn’t want to risk getting out and getting back in, I had to put the set back on the shelf. I thanked her again (after all, she lost the sale on us, and we wouldn’t go after her if we figured this out in the airport!). She replied: I am a professional!

Indeed!

Fidelio

I never heard anything except for the overture to “Fidelio.” I do not think it was ever on stage in the Soviet Union (likely because the theme of the opera is the imprisonment of a political rival), and it was rarely performed in the US as well.

My friend and I were wondering how far the opera “modernization” would go; we both had a couple of traumatic experiences of that kind recently. However, the production was amazing! Everything fit really well in the context of the modern prison, and an amazing woman whose courage saves the world prompted somebody behind us to start chanting Ka-ma-la! 😀

And the voices were extraordinary!

TIME Magazine: How to Stop Checking Your Phone Every 10 Seconds

I do not think I need to say anything about this article. I hope the title is attractive enough:)

Continue reading “TIME Magazine: How to Stop Checking Your Phone Every 10 Seconds” →

Igor’s Birthday

Today was Igor’s birthday, and obviously because of the situation with my mom, our minds were not 100% on the celebration. I am glad that mom was well enough to go to the Chayhana cafe. I can’t judge their Middle asian food, but Russian dishes exceeded expectations (desserts could be better though).

it was not an easy year for Igor, and I am glad that he feels good about where he is now. Proud of his accomplishments and of his personal growth 🙂